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Being Married to a Pilot – Luck or Suck?

Being Married to a Pilot – Luck or Suck?

When it comes up that I’m married to a pilot, I usually get told how lucky I am and how they’d love to be in my shoes. I usually just smile and nod, but I know all they see is the flying standby for free. Truth is, just like everyone else’s life, it really can suck.

Pilots Don’t Make as Much as You Think

Used to be, pilots were making bank. Now, long time pilots at major airlines make good money, but pilots just starting out make very little. Think less than $20k a year. Now, that’s bad enough, but flight school is really expensive. So that $20k a year looks even worse when you have $85k in student loans. When I met my husband he was renting a room and eating a lot of hot dogs. True story.

Pilots Are Gone A Lot

cockpitPilots work trips that they are given.  Trips can be one day or multiple days and they can be back to back.  It’s not unheard of for there to be six days in a week the pilot is gone.  For us, the average is four.

A pilot bids for trips.  He says “Hey, I really want this day and this day off, and I don’t want to work Sundays.”  Then the company makes the schedules and sends them out to the pilots.  Sometimes it works and the trips given match up with what you ask for.  Sometimes you are pretty much screwed, and there’s not anything you can do about it.  You just have to hope the next month is better.

We’ve been married eight years, and he’s been at two Christmases. Halloween is hit or miss. He tries to get the kids’ birthdays off, but he’s working Claire’s next month.

He will never be able to coach a sports team. Cute family traditions like Taco Tuesday? Yeah, not so much.  No week is ever the same as the week before because we work around dad’s schedule.

Forget Shared Parenting

Kid wakes up sick? Too bad – that’s all me. It’s not like I can get him to help me while he’s off in Timbuktu. Maybe in three days when his trip is over.

Pilot Marriages Fail Often

They even have an acronym for it – “AIDS” (Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome). There’s enough time away they can live a whole separate life, ala “The Pilot’s Wife” and I’ve been told affairs abound. Regular marriage is hard enough, being married to a pilot can get to be ridiculous.

Flying Standby is HardFlying Standby Can Be Hard

How would you fly to Tucson from Dallas? One flight, right? Maybe two? Here’s how we did it last :

  • Dallas to Detroit
  • Detroit to Allentown, PA
  • Allentown, PA to Atlanta
  • Atlanta to Phoenix
  • Drive from Phoneix to Tucson in a rental car

I am dead serious.

It isn’t always this bad, but coming back from Hawaii had us spend the night in the San Francisco airport. It is rarely glamorous, and almost always logistically difficult.  That pic of the kids is at the end of a 20 hour travel day.

(Although it is very true that none of us would have gone to near the amount of places without this one job perk.  I’m not saying it isn’t awesome, just that it can be difficult!)

Bottom Line

Next time you are on Facebook and start dreaming about someone else’s situation, remember no one’s life is 100% perfect. The person who’s life you envy may well be envying yours.

UPDATE – There are some great Pilot Wife FB groups where you can go and talk to women who are in the same situation that you are in. Here is one, and there are a few others if you search “Pilot Wives” with the search bar. Always feel free to comment, but I wanted to give a resource for those that could benefit from a community.

  1. Tonya {The Traveling Praters} 4 November, 2013

    What a great post and insight Amy. My husband isn’t a pilot, but he does travel with his job. Right now he’s gone weekly. And yes, his job does allow us to travel with him, but as our kids have gotten older with more responsibilities, activities and jobs, that time has gotten more and more difficult.

    I love your bottom line. While I love the places we’ve been able to visit and the memories we’ve made due to his job, it’s not been without challenges along the way.

  2. Amy Moore 5 November, 2013

    Thanks for reading and the supportive comments. I both look forward and dread the kids getting older for those reasons. His schedule is one of the biggest reasons we homeschool. Otherwise they would never see him!

  3. Jenn 15 February, 2014

    Thanks for your post! I am a pilots wife and sitting right now for the 6th night in a row alone……glass of wine in hand and it is the most pathetic day of the year……Valentine’s day. Of course I did receive my regular roses around 5 but would much rather have my hubby. Everything you post is so true and more. Kids get sick and it is all me…..usually I am puking right next to them….lol. I live far from family so no help there. The travel perks……meh! They are fine but it is definitely not a glam life. I told my husband that I married him for love for sure but there is a lot of time wasted apart. All this being said our life is beautiful when we are together. Romance is usually still very much alive because I still get butterflies when he comes home and the kids give me a break when he comes back because they missed him so much. We do get perks at airports and on planes and hotels.
    You don’t chose your love of your life so here I will sit and wait for him to come back so we can plan a sweet little break away and it is a little nice when people say ” your married to a pilot……lucky!” There is a silver lining in the cloud for sure!

    • Amy Moore 16 February, 2014

      It’s hard, Jenn. It gets better over time, but it’s never going to be easy. Good luck to you though! Know you aren’t alone!

  4. Kat 22 February, 2014

    Hi Amy,

    I’ve been reading up a lot on being a pilots wife because I am about to marry my fiancé of 6 years and he is interviewing to become, guess what, I pilot.

    In some ways I’m glad that I’m trying to prepare myself for what pilot wife life will be like, however, it is really looking a bit bleak and I just wanted to add a wee bit of my opinion into the mix.

    Maybe I’ll feel differently 10 years down the line, or after we’ve had kids. In fact, I’m sure I will because all the pilot wives seem to feel the same way.

    However, my fiancé and I have never yet managed to live in the same place and often not in the same country. We spend Christmases, birthdays and Valentine’s apart frequently and Christmas is really the only one I struggle with cuz the rest of the days are just days in a year. So long as you have some time in your year to pay it back, that’s what’s important to me.

    Also, my fiancé was in a near fatal accident, which meant he had to take a break from his training for 2 years. This has taught me that him being alive and some time together is better than him not being here at all and no time together.

    Life is too short to be unhappy for the half of it when your other half is away.

    As I say, I’m maybe totally wrong in my outlook and maybe it will change. But I just wanted to write

  5. Jo 23 February, 2014

    Amy that is a fabulous well written post. I have been a “Pilot’s wife” for 25 years, and if I got a dollar for every “I’m sooo lucky”, I would be a millionaire. My son hasn’t had his dad home for his birthday in the past 4 years. We haven’t spent Easter as a family in years. Valentine’s day together (can that happen). Not to mention that any emergency that arises they won’t be there. Pilot’s wives need to be strong, independent, self sacrificing and very adaptable.
    On the plus side we have traveled a lot and my children have seen things that their friends only dream about.
    Thanks for your blog.

  6. Dorayne S 4 July, 2014

    I’ve been a pilot’s wife for 36 years and he is finally going to retire in a year. if I had known what it would be like, I would have run for the nearest exit. Yes, there is the raising the kids by yourself, missing birthdays and celebrations. etc. I knew that before I took the job, so no big deal. What I didn’t know is that he would develop a taste for other women and long-term relationships. The constant affairs are very draining. If I had to do it over again – no way.

  7. Jill 7 September, 2014

    Thanks for this post. I’m a pilot’s wife and boy do I have my ups and downs. Today it is a down day so I googled “being married to a pilot sucks” and I got your blog!!!! The comments made me smile a bit…yep, I hear you Dorayne when you say “If I had to do it over again — no way”. Anyhow, maybe when my kids get a bit older it will be easier, but right now I’m regretting this.

    • Dorayne 8 September, 2014

      I just got home from a weekend with my sisters-in-law (pilot’s brothers) and found out he’s off on a trip to SFO with his whore stewardess. Luckily, I only have to put up with this for another 11 months and then he retires. I don’t think he wants to lose half of everything including his pensions. But if so, I’m planning on having a nice comfortable life.

      • Maribeth 22 April, 2016

        You write so holsntey about this. Thanks for sharing!

  8. Jeanette Facey 8 September, 2014

    Awesome post! I often hear my friends and SIL’s say how lucky I am that my husband is gone and I get the house to myself (with 3 kids) and that we get to travel. Well unless you find taking care of 3 kids alone fun and you want to be divorced anyway I’m not sure what about this sounds so fun?! Especially when I don’t get to pick when he’s gone and when he’s not. And traveling… the only place we travel to now is back and forth to see my family. Otherwise I never get to see them. I traveled way more before I met my husband than I every did married to him. Pilot’s don’t make a lot of money and after Sept. 11th that really changed the pay structure forever. So even if you can get somewhere for free it may take you several flights and a couple days to get to where you want to go and then you still have the cost of hotels, car and food so it’s not nearly as romantic or fun as one would think. For our 15 year anniversary my husband wanted me to go on his trip with him to Nice, France. Some might think that sounds so sweet. I on the other hand said “No thank you”! I have no one to take care of my 3 kids, and I would have only 24 hours in Nice. The amount of work and money to find a caretaker for my kids for 3 days when I would be in Nice 1 day was definitely not worth it. I think there should be a club for pilots wives so we could all meet somewhere and share stories. It is nice to know that i’m not alone. I never even knew blogs or posts like this existed!

  9. Solange 9 September, 2014

    I found your blog when I googled Enrichment homeschool program in the DFW area. I loved your list and Im going to utilize it with my children. I am as well married to a pilot. Sometimes I sing the song “yo ho yo ho a pilots life for me….” It can be a difficult life. Right now I have three weeks before my due date and my husband is all over the country on a +2 week trip so I better not go into labor early because it’s not like he can just leave the office and meet me at the hospital.

    Of all the downfalls of being married to a pilot there are still many advantages. A lot depends on what kind of man you married. I am so grateful for my husband and the sacrifices he makes for us. I would not trade our lives for anything and he is worth waiting by the door for.

    You have a new follower. : )

    • Amy Moore 9 September, 2014

      I hope we run into each other! Man, pregnancy was hard with a pilot. I almost had to have Claire without him. He kept calling me on his turns asking if he could keep flying. I don’t know if I could do it if we hadn’t lived in base at the time. Good luck – you are in the home stretch!

  10. SuzieQ 18 September, 2014

    Hi girls,

    Just so you all know it does get better I have two friends who are also married to pilots. Once the kids get older and into their teen years it seems to come into it’s own. They are now able to go off with their hubbies on trips childless on many occasions. When not childless family holidays are fairly cheap! Compared to the rest of us that have to skimp and save to afford an airfare to go anywhere overseas. Sure it was hard for them when the kids were quite young but once in primary school. Most of my friends enjoyed their space and built their social lives around friends and activities while their hubby was away anyway. They are also as both these men are the faithful type and appreciate their family at home. So they are both very lucky. I would say there are worse things than being married to a pilot!

  11. nicole 19 September, 2014

    so its our first wedding anniversary. i was looking forward to a special weekend my husband had planned. Not so lucky.. he is in coorparate aviation and gone to hawaii. I am so glad to find this site. I did not know how tough this would be. We have two kids from previous marriages. He is either home all the time or not at all. We cant plan anything unless he gets time off. i feel really lonely lots. Any suggestions?

    • Dorayne 20 September, 2014

      Hi Nicole, You didn’t say how old the kids are. If they are no longer toddlers or already in school, you need to develop a life that is separate from your husband. Take classes at a local adult education center, visit museums, contact your local library and see if there is a book club, join a cycling group. You need to find your own friends as your husband will not be a great deal of help. His schedule doesn’t permit it.A pilot’s wife has to have her own life and her own friends. Good Luck

      • Nicole 20 September, 2014

        Thanks for the feedback. It’s really helpful. We have two girls who are 10 and 9. I do lots of yoga and have friends. Most of them are married to husbands that are actually home. I need to get more involved with activities. Wow. I knew all of this before we married , but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be. I feel so lonely even when I’m busy! How much does your husbands keep in contact with you when they are gone ? He’s pretty good about it.

  12. Lila 1 October, 2014

    This all makes me so sad. I miss my pilot all the time and pray he never has been unfaithful. I too have good days and bad. Today… Not good.

  13. Kimi 28 October, 2014

    My husband is starting his first pilot job tomorrow. He is 10 min away from home in a hotel that the pilots are staying in for about a month. Then, his aircraft training will be taking place in another city/state. I’m first of all trying to deal with the fact that he is staying in a hotel when we are in the same city where his ground training is taking place. I’m sad and upset about this. He tells me that he needs this for studying purposes. I know how he was during pilot school with the studying–he closes himself in the room for hours on end. Stress, anxiety come into play. So should I be butt hurt that he took this hotel?! He says he will only stay there probably 3 days out of the week and he will be home for dinner. He gave me a hotel key to his room. I feel like I’m being a sappy “chick” because I want him sleeping next to me. I have read through some of the posts, have googled “how to deal with being a pilot’s wife”–but I so badly want to see some positive comments about the a pilot wife life. Does that exist? I should add we are trying to get pregnant (we’ve been married for just over 3 years and no children, yet). I also want to add that I’m so proud of my husband. He has worked so hard, had some downfalls but he stuck it out, worked his a$$ off, made it through and is pursuing his true dream. I support him 100%. He is my love! It’s all new to me. Well, we’ve been together (on/off) since 2006. He retired from the military over a year ago. Our entire relationship has been long distance until the beginning of 2013. Now that we’ve been together, it’s just so nice. So, with all that said. Please give me positive aspects of this lifestyle…. Anyone?

    • Amy Moore 28 October, 2014

      Hi, Kimi! From experience, initial hire training can be brutal. So can the sims. I totally get him needing to sequester himself, and I totally get you wanting to be with him.

      Trying to get pregnant can be stressful and emotional. You guys are doing a lot all at once. Just have patience with each other, and keep finding out what each other need. Right now, he needs to have time to himself… you need him to be with you. Try to find a way to compromise and both be happy. I think actively finding compromise is what keeps marriages together. It’s when you stop doing that you get into trouble.

      OK, positives! It can be a high income position – I’ve been told. Still working towards that, but I have hope 🙂 Travel is amazing. Opening the world up to the kids in a way we never would have been able to in another line of work is priceless. Sometimes he is home a lot more than he would be if he were 9to5ing it. Except for a few things (chart revision, studying for sims) he leaves his job at work and when he’s home he’s home. Sometimes communication breaks down and I’m glad he’s gone a few days. It makes it easier to work things out occasionally when we can both have a little space on our own to cool off instead of things stupidly escalating because we’re stubborn 🙂

      Things are hard at the beginning. I’m about to go through this with my husband changing airlines. There’s a lot of uncertainty and it’s hard that so many parameters are in play. Just take a deep breath and think about it being an exercise in flexibility for a while. You’ll need that in spades when the babies arrive anyway 🙂 Good luck!

      • Kimi 28 October, 2014

        <<>> Amy….I literally took a sigh after I just read your post. I so appreciate your time in replying. You are so right! Thank you, thank you, thank you! As I am laying in bed, by myself, catching up on some of my shows…with his shirt on my pillow! Lol!
        P.S. I will probably be posting in here in the future! 🙂

  14. Jennifer 27 November, 2014

    I have a pilot as a common-law partner and I’m starting to think I made a big mistake. He’s a great guy but there are so many problems with dating a pilot and I’ve yet to see the perks. He doesn’t have loads of money, and we don’t get free flights and family vacations that every seems to talk about. In fact, this summer I went travelling by myself because he couldn’t get the time off, and I paid full fare, just like everyone else. We’ve never been on a trip together because we’ve never had vacation at the same time (even though I get 12 weeks off per year). I’ve never gotten a free or discounted flight.

    He’s been gone for a couple of weeks now and will be home for less than 24 hours, then gone another week. He is supposed to get 10 days off a month, but can’t tell me when those 10 days will be.

    This past weekend, I was suffering from a horrible cold, single parenting as usual, when I discovered my daughter has head lice. This of course means that I may have head lice. Try checking your own head for lice. Even though I was feeling like death had warmed over, I spent 6 hours cleaning and nit picking. Then I made dinner.

    I’m not sure that him being a ‘nice guy’ makes up for the fact that, even in an emergency, he’s not there for me. I understand it’s not his ‘fault’, but at some point you have to step back and ask “Do I want to live like this?”

    I was a single mom before he came around and to be honest, in many ways it was easier. I never expected anyone to be there, so I was never disappointed. There weren’t awkward transitions every week with him coming and going. I didn’t have to compromise with anyone, or fight with anyone, or make time for that phone call that I really don’t have the time/energy for because I’ve been single parenting all week.

    I’m just not sure the good times make up for the bad.

    • Amy Moore 30 December, 2014

      I’ve been there! I’m guessing he works for a fractional or corporate if you don’t have flight benefits. That’s a bummer. And 10 days a month is brutal. Even most crappy regionals do better than that.

      Have you guys sat down and discussed the future? Is he trying to go to a major? Is he working towards that plan? Where does he see his career in 5 years, and what are you guys doing to get there? 10 days a month aren’t the norm in the industry – it’s often the bare minimum guaranteed by contract at the regionals so it should get better?! Man, I feel for you.

      • Christine B 16 April, 2015

        How amazingly true this all is…. My husband is an entry level corporate pilot who gets ONE weekend guaranteed off a month. That’s TWO guaranteed days off per month. Every other day he is on a one hour call out. Many a dinner or morning together or day plans have been interrupted by a pop up trip. And I don’t get flight benefits. In fact we never travel because he doesn’t have the vacation time. And he doesn’t make much for this many hours – 40k. To be fair, I would say in the average month he ends up with 3-4 days off as some days no trip happens, but we can’t plan anything or go anywhere because we don’t know when those days will be until they are upon us. 3-4 days home a month sucks, especially when it’s often a random Tuesday and I am working, so we don’t even see each other. I am a very independent and active – training for a marathon with very full work life and a few great local friends, but I am still unhappy often because I married my husband for love but I never see him. I tell myself that I knew what I was getting into, but I didn’t realize how much my heart would break every time he walks out the door. He tells me it will get better, but it’s been over a year. The only thing that soothes me is the fact that I trust him wholeheartedly, I know he loves me and misses me, and I see how much he loves and enjoys his job and that makes me happy. But I still cry… I’m glad to know I am not the only one.

  15. Cathy Carlisle 6 December, 2014

    I am also married to a pilot and I feel like I write your story. Living month to month on a schedule is terrible. My children are grown so I am alone a lot and I truly hate it. The nights are the worse. This year my husband works New Years Eve and New Years Day. I am not a happy camper, but I love my husband to pieces and he loves flying therefore we make it work.

    • weston 17 December, 2014

      So I’m in a delimma I guess haha, I’m a 22 year old boy (God knows if ill ever become a man) and I’ve always wanted to become a pilot. I put off pilot school due to different things and because I also thought I would maybe enjoy a desk job. Once I started finance school the classes were all miserable to me. at this point in time there is really nothing that seems desirable as a career except a pilot , or something with planes. Being my age and single I think it will be awesome. But I ofcourse really want a family down the road and to have the family life too. So I’ve been reading everything about pilots; the pay, the loans , the poor and the rich , good and the ugly . And this one topic pauses me to think if I really want to pursue this life changing path. I’m signed up for classes but not for flight classes yet til possibly summer . Wow my post is too long haha… But anyhow what do you ladies think? Or even what do your husband’s think about my thoughts? What we’re your husbands thoughts before pursuing such a career? and how many days is he home average per week or month? I really really want to fly, but is it worth pursuing my life dream of becoming a pilot when it puts my other life dream(having a family) at risk? Thank you all, and may God bless you and your families!

      • Dorayne 17 December, 2014

        Hi Weston, I’ve written a couple of comments before – (I’m a wife), but when I saw your post I thought I’d add one more. I don’t know how a U.S. pilot’s life is – the hours, pay, etc. My husband works for a very well-known foreign carrier and at the beginning of his career he was home for ten days a month. This was comparable to a normal breadwinner who had only weekends off. When he’s home, he’s really home 24 hours a day. Now, at the end of his career, he is flying the 380 and has 3 long-haul trips a month. (this means he’s gone 10 -11 days a month). Personally, I believe that one should always try to follow their dreams. With being a pilot, your future wife must absolutely understand what she is getting into. I understood this at the beginning – I knew I would be in a foreign country raising my kids essentially alone. That was the price for my extremely comfortable lifestyle. Marriage is a crap shoot. You have no guarantees it will work out no matter what profession you or your wife pursue.

        • weston 18 December, 2014

          Thank you , I really appreciate your comment . Like all jobs it has its perks and negatives , and we have to make sacrifices to have the things we desire the most , just keep on keepin on

      • Amy Moore 30 December, 2014

        I don’t think your situation is uncommon. There are a lot of guys that get into flying later than 18, and with the “new” flight time rules it seems like the age of the starting pilot is rising. It is also common to go into the military to get flight training. A lot of those guys stay in for 20 years, retire, and then go to a commercial airline.

        It’s hard to say what your career will look like. So much is changing in the industry. My husband’s career doesn’t look like a pilot that started a decade earlier and it won’t look like a pilot that started now. He did 10 years at a regional – 7 of those as a captain. He’s just gone to a major. A friend of ours has spent 6 years as an FO at the same regional with no upgrade in sight. I would suggest getting a BA, and getting it as early as you can. Getting a degree can mean the difference between getting hired at a major or not (at least right now), which means the difference of literally millions of dollars down the line. Doing it with little kids is hard.

        I think like everyone, finding the right partner is what matters the most. My honest opinion if you want a family is to find a partner that is willing to compromise and can roll with the punches. There are a lot of ups and downs. But be willing to support her as much as you can as well. You can’t expect her to take care of little kids for a weeks and a half straight, come home from a trip and then leave to go out with the boys.

    • Amy Moore 30 December, 2014

      Yeah, my husband is gone the pretty much all of the end of December – and New Years Eve is our ninth anniversary. We’ve spent 2 together so far. Not really enjoying that either…

      • Wilhelmina 9 March, 2017

        Anedwr,thanks for comments. I’m intrigued to know whether your team use IPSV because it’s mandated, or whether it is adding real value – e.g. for information sharing between councils, or to support document or records management? As you can see from my original post, I can’t see any practical benefit – unless it is tied to something like EDRMS.

  16. Zee 21 December, 2014

    Been married to my high school sweetheart 16yrs. Hes an airline pilot. Been wrking back to back 7day & 6 day flights. When he gets hm he’s exhaustd & needs to adjust to our time. Once he does, its time to leave again. I have 3 kids. I cope. But lately feeling very neglected & lonely. Perhaps if he got paid more, we could actually travel more but yeh…ur comments so hit the nail on the head. Worse things is NOBODY seems to understand. Friends expect us at socials…I just need to spend time with my man…if I say no I end up looking like the bad guy to them & him…frustrated!!! Hope nexts months roster is better

    • Amy Moore 30 December, 2014

      Or understanding you need to know about plans a minimum of 6 weeks ahead of time and maybe you can make it? Hope 2015 treats you guys better than this year !

    • Isabelle 9 March, 2017

      Great post. The utter raodmnness and social play is what has kept me going these last 5 years.Your writing is great by the way, mind if I link it from mine?

  17. Lisa 2 January, 2015

    Wow so needed this tonight. I’ve been married to my pilot husband for 3 years. He just upgraded and is on reserves. We see each other approximately 15 hours a week. We’ve been doing this for 9 months now and I feel so lonely. Add in the mix that we’re trying to get pregnant again after a miscarriage in the fall. After spending Christmas and New Years alone I’ve been wondering if this is the life for me. It actually helps to read stories that make me feel like I’m not alone.

  18. liana 15 January, 2015

    Hi, I live in Asia. I will move to USA and marry a pilot this year, but now he has decided to become an instructur pilot for a commercial airline so that he always get home everyday. As we’re planning to have kids, do you think he earns enough money to build a family or should I have my own business to support him as well? Thanks Amy.

    • Amy Moore 19 January, 2015

      Liana, it depends on whether he’s going to a regional or a major. There’s a big difference in the pay schedule. If you are willing to sacrifice I think you can live happily. It’s hard to answer that question without knowing what standard of living you want to have. Good luck on your move!

  19. Krista 20 January, 2015

    This hit the nail on the head. I have been married to a pilot for six years. We are lucky to have two wonderful sons (2 and 4). But you are 100% correct when you say there is little to no team parenting, it is all you. This is my 8th night sitting at home alone and I have 2 more nights of this. Then he will be home for 3 and gone again for 4.

    Just reading this helps me calm down and realize I am not the only person in this boat!
    Great advice and information for anyone about to marry a pilot.

    • Kamryn 9 March, 2017

      A few years ago I’d have to pay someone for this inafimotron.

  20. Lindsey 22 January, 2015

    Thanks for this post! I’ve been married to my pilot for a year and a half, we’ve been together for 6 years. I was with him all throughout college and his flight school so I knew what I was getting into, but even so, it can be so difficult at times. My heart hurts to think about how little time we get to spend together relative to other couples with “9-5” careers and simply how much I miss him. I cry even thinking about having kids. We live so far from family and making friends is difficult in a new city. He is in his early years and we have been so lucky for him to get on with a large regional so young and early.

    Recently a position in my hometown opened up with the state department of transportation doing flights for the governor, etc. My dad works for the state, it has unbeatable benefits and the pay is decent but nowhere near what “could be” someday in the majors, he would be home most weekends and many more evenings during the week, paid vacations and USUALLY holidays.

    I’m so torn in discussions with my husband about it. Of course I would LOVE that set-up, seeing him so much more often. But I know there is part of him that dreams of captaining with the majors. Do we take the hard life to hope for the ultimate payout in many years to come (hoping and assuming the majors are in our future and we can survive putting in the time until he gets the good schedules) or go for the other option of less pay but better benefit package, no flight benefits, home more, and basically give up the option of ever getting in with the majors.

    I would love to hear what other pilot wives would do, how you would discuss it. As you all know the days, weeks and months sre some good some tough. I’m definitely having a tough one, it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one.

  21. Selena Scott 25 January, 2015

    Watch out ladies, I married a pilot, and we are now divorcing after only one year. My husband had a whole separate life. Flying away, interacting and working with different young ladies all the time, staying in nice hotels, going out for dinner with other pilots and flight attendants. You may trust your husbands, but the issues is other people. Firstly, the young flight attendants look up to the pilots, and think that being with a pilot is like being with a rock star. When you put it all together, there is too much opportunity for pilots to play around and then come home to you. They need you because they want someone to come home to, someone to look after kids, someone to provide them with a social network, but they also want their cake too and have fun playing around. If you could hear the stories of what my husband told me, you would be shocked! My husband used to take off his wedding ring when he would fly, I guess we know why. I would never marry a pilot again! Guys in general want to play around, the more opportunity they have the more likely they will take it. Save yourself the pain and make sure that you take care of yourself financially. My husband told me that pilot’s like to control the finances so that when the wives divorced them they had hidden assets.

    • Dorayne 26 January, 2015

      After all the comments about how wonderful the husbands are, I was beginning to wonder if mine was an exception. Thanks for your input! After 38 (!!!) years of marriage my 60+ husband told me that after his retirement, he needs his “free room”. Translated – he wants to continue the affairs. His latest one is a real winner. Ladies, what would you think of a woman who, as her husband is dying of cancer, runs off to her pilot “stud”? (Husband died end of December). Financially, I’ll be in good shape as literally half of everything – including his pensions- are mine. I just wish I had been as smart as you and gotten rid of this creep after 37 years. Nothing has been worth the pain an anguish except for my two wonderful sons who have been telling me for years to divorce him. Best of everything for you – you have made the right decision.

  22. Kathleen 6 February, 2015

    I married my husband before he started working as a pilot and (boy oh boy) I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. He’s been working for an airline for 13 months and we are on the edge of divorce. This lifestyle was explained to me in a very idealistic (with a cherry on top) manner. I wish I had read your blog BEFORE I got married. I would of made a different decision. Your blog explains the career to a “T”. I hope someone considering marrying a pilot will read and deeply consider what this career entails.

    • lila 7 February, 2015

      What are the problems you’ve encountered? Possibly marrying a pilot myself. Worried.

    • Amy Moore 23 February, 2015


      Good luck and best wishes. Sorry you are going through such a hard time.

  23. Dorayne 8 February, 2015

    Hi Lila,
    The problems are all listed in the various posts. One sign you should be aware of is lack of communication. (He just doesn’t talk about what he does while he’s away – says he wants to concentrate on being home.) Also, try to see what he actually makes – this can be checked by looking at the 1040. Keep track of where the money goes. At my husband’s airline, most pilots end up by being married three or four times. Their later wives are always ex-flight attendants. You don’t travel that much after the kids are born and when they’re small – too much hassle. And a wife is never as alluring as the perfectly made-up, drop dead gorgeous flight attendant that hangs on your husband’s every word. It’s really a question of character. How much character does your fiancee have? Talk about this before you marry a pilot.

    • Maverick 9 March, 2017

      Dame el look del maserati, sobre la mecanica del cayenne petizo … digo panamera, y tenes lo mejor de 2 muSdso.niendo realistas, en q pensaba porsche? cuando arrancaron con ese proyecto, no se les ocurrio contratar un tano para q les disenie el look? Es ironico q ahora tooooodos los coches de porsche parescan clones del 911. hasta hace unos anios porsche sabia lo q era tener autos distintos y lindos. porsche 924 y 944 por ejemplo.

  24. ash 20 February, 2015

    Thanks for the informative blog and comments. Obviously every situation differs from person to person and marriage to marriage, but it is interesting to hear (unfortunately from some of you) what you are expected to go through.
    I’m not a pilot’s wife, but a pilot’s girlfriend and I’m already starting to feel the pressure. The pressure of him completing his instructor rating, soon IREX and night VFR rating – transferring the stress onto me. He says that it will improve once he gets into airlines, once he has less exams, but I think I already know the answer to that. The constant quiet criticisms that he thinks I’m not “pilot wife” material. His mind’s ideal image: The Real House Wives of Beverly Hills.
    The constant arguments of small things that just explodes for no reason where I feel I have to give into him. Command the pilot – or else! And the sign of having to idolize him as a pilot. The career that everyone should respect and bow down to. “I’m a pilot, I look down on people. Literally.”
    I have recently thought what life would be like in the future; the constant time apart, raising kids alone, missing special occasions, bitter resentment and the haunting thought of him ever cheating with an air hostess/foreign exotic lady.
    I get the feeling I could be the “middle”girl, the one to have during the stress and discard once the “highlife” of a pilot is reached.
    I think if my mind is working over drive now, I know something is wrong when he’s talking about moving out, marriage, kids and the works after only eight months – to capture a wife.
    Sure there might be travel perks, but really, when do you get to use them.

    • Dorayne 21 February, 2015

      Hi Ash, The travel perks can come in handy depending if he wants to use them. It’s by no means automatic as he must be the one who gets the tickets, etc.
      It sounds like you are having serious doubts about the relationship. Before you’re even married constant arguments should not be happening. Follow your gut instincts – run.

    • Amy Moore 23 February, 2015

      My advice to you is to go with your gut. You don’t sound unintelligent, so I’m sure you have a good grasp of the situation (and the future ahead). Good luck to you!

  25. Holly 21 February, 2015

    I’m so glad to find this post. I am engaged to a pilot and spending yet another night alone. The worst part is, my fiance is actually on a trip to see his friends in another state, by choice, which is a difficult thing for me to understand when he is already gone half the time. At the beginning of the relationship, he described life with him in a much better light, but the reality I’m finding is pretty grim. Even when he’s home, he’s involved in what he “needs” to do to relax, and that relaxation or fun or “me time” never involves me. He says he needs that time after being gone for 4 days on a trip. I keep hearing that I need to surround myself with my friends, but in my mid-thirties, my friends are busy with new babies and their marriages. They spend weekends with their husbands, which is what I should be doing with my fiance. As far as alone time for me…again, in my mid thirties and never having been married, I’ve had so much alone time and so much time to focus on my hobbies and my interests that I’m burned out on all of those things. What I want now is to settle down and spend my time with the man I love. Tonight I’m really feeling like the relationship just needs to be over. I am, however, comforted in just knowing I’m not the only one second guessing a relationship with a pilot. I have read posts before where wives of pilots are really praising them for having such a hard job and seem to be so self-sacrificing that it’s almost nauseating. I can’t bring myself to that point, because I’m just no good at being invisible or being a martyr. It sounds like the relationships with pilots that work out happen when the pilot knows the importance of their partner and looks forward to coming home to them and is willing to put in a lot of quality time. Unfortunately, I’m with a pilot who doesn’t seem to be like that at all.

    • Dorayne 23 February, 2015

      I know exactly where you’re coming from. I’d like to know who decreed that women need to show so much compassion and understanding for their husbands (boyfriends) but that these considerations don’t have to be returned. The adulation is expected. Well, everyone works hard (or should). I don’t care if it’s the local garbage collector or a pilot. It sounds like you’re with a man who wants everything to come to him. You might try talking to him but don’t expect him to change his priorities. If you think he’s impossible now, just wait until he sits in the left hand seat. Even God couldn’t talk to him.

    • Amy Moore 23 February, 2015

      Ahhh… the need for reentry. I get it. I’ve traveled. It is taxing to do his job day in and day out. But when he’s only home for 2 days at a time, you haven’t slept because you’ve got babies and you are about up to your eyeballs in everything you have to do, it gets old. Fast.

      I think you (and a lot of girls that comment) have problems in your relationships that you might have addressed much earlier if you didn’t think it was a “pilot thing.” If you feel he’s being selfish, he probably is. That’s not something that goes away. Truly, good luck. I think you already have decided what is best for you.

  26. Gabriella Love 10 March, 2015

    Hi Amy, wow I love your posts! My husband is a pilot as well. He has flown for different companies however has just recently been hired on with a regional airlines. Something new for all of us. It has been his life long dream though… he eventually wants to get into the majors. I am struggling because I miss him so much.. he has been at training for a month now and soon to start sims… I have not been able to see him at all during this time since training is in Az and we are in NM and on weekends he is with his study groups preparing for tests. We do skype often and I totally love and trust him so I am not fearful of that. I homeschool my children as well, his hub looks like it is going to be in Texas. So I am preparing to move. We do not want to waste any of his precious days off by having to travel to us. He will be stationed at DFW and I am needing to find housing that will fit his income… goodness… not easy.. been searching on craigslist. No luck. Do you have any suggestions? and is there an official forum to join? Or is this the forum? Sorry I am new to forums. I have 3 children at home 6 in total. Any suggestions would be soo helpful!! And thank you for the positive things you have posted about.. yea.. I so can relate to the ‘single’ parent feel of how our life is 🙁 However I support him all the way!!

    • Amy Moore 10 March, 2015

      I don’t have a forum. I guess we could open up a FB group if people would like to talk more! There is quite a bit of discussion.

      From what you are saying, I’m guessing Mesa. Unfortunately, Mesa payrates put him under the poverty level for a family of 5 for at least 4 years :/ Unless you are military, everyone starts out that way. But it is painful to try to deal with FO payrates at a regional with a family.

      DFW is one of the most affordable areas in the country, so I’m sure you will find something. But on his pay, it will definitely be difficult. Here’s a quick search of apartments that are on the lower end. It might give you a place to start looking. I wish you a lot of luck.

      One great thing about this area is that there are tons of homeschoolers. There are lots of park days and free activities that the kids can play with other homeschooled kids.

  27. Gabriella Love 10 March, 2015

    Yes Mesa airlines 🙂 You are good! If I had to, I could nurse part time… I just do not want to take away from the education for my children. I want to be able to take trips with them. I am worried that working may limit what we can do together. I loved reading your blogs about taking trips with your children <3 We live in the country right now, have chickens, ducks, and was building a goat pen for goats this spring until we got the surprise that my DH was heading off for training. Had a total of 4 days to prepare. I am hoping to find something out in the country. We are not city folk lol however we will adjust to whatever is needed to help my DH follow through with his dreams. I would definitely join any fb group! I miss him dearly and I really do not know the ins and outs of the airlines so I am not even sure where to start. It is all new for me. I thank you so much for your speedy reply!!!!

  28. Stayseajo 27 March, 2015

    My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have been married 25 years this year. At the age of 36, he decided to quit his job and go to school to be a pilot. We stayed in South Dakota and he went to Arizona. We have 2 boys. They were 6th and 4th grade at the time. We saw him rarely. He was gone for almost 2 years. Then he got a job at a regional airline based out of Minneapolis. We never had any intentions of moving, it’s a good thing, because he has been based in Laguardia 2 times, JFK, and Minneapolis 2 times. I never knew exactly what we were getting into. I assumed he would be flying out of our local airport and be home most nights. I HAD NO IDEA. He was the AAU wrestling coach for 8 years. He coached football, soccer, basketball. He was home every night, every holiday, every birthday. We camped and went boating every weekend. Now, he is never home for anything important. He was furloughed after 1 year, then worked as a corporate pilot for a year, then got called back to the airline. He has been with the company for 7 years and is still a first officer. We have yet to reap any benefits from the airlines. We have large student loans and his income is not great yet. We used to joke, we could fly anywhere we wanted, we just couldn’t afford to get off the plane. It has been a long 7 years. I do good for about 2-3 weeks and then I lose it, like clock work. My kids have suffered, I have suffered. My youngest is a senior in high school and my oldest is almost 20. My oldest decided to be a pilot. We discussed all of the cons that we have gone through. I urged him not to go, he thought it would be okay and his long time girlfriend thought she would do okay. We did everything we could to get financing for him for 75K to go to school. He just left for Denver 2 months ago. We got a call last week, he decided that he doesn’t want to be a pilot. He is doing great with all of his studies and flying, he just realizes it isn’t for him. My husband was crushed. How could I argue with my son? He said he knows now that he doesn’t want to be away from his family when he has one. He will be coming home in a couple of weeks. I have several close friends, but they all have husbands who are home on the weekend. There are many nights I am alone, and every weekend I am alone. When the kids were in sports, I was with friends all the time, now the kids are grown. It is really lonely now. Tonight I am having a hard time. He is based in Laguardia and has a long commute to work. I love my husband with all of my heart. Sometimes I just don’t know if I want to do this forever. There are a lot of times he is home for 1 day, yes, 1 day. I work 4 days a week and he is always here when I am at work. Then he leaves on my days off. I am 44 now and I want to enjoy this time of my life. We had kids early so we would be younger when they were out of school, and now I am all alone. I never planned for this. I wish I had friends here that are in the same boat as I am. It sucks.

    • Amy Moore 28 March, 2015

      Hey! First of all – you aren’t alone. I don’t think anyone entering the pilot field when he did expected to hang out at the regionals so blasted long. Then there were the bankruptcys, restructuring, and furloughs.

      Second, it sounds like he was Mesaba and is now Endeavor. If so, I understand where you are coming from. It does suck. Hard. The schedules have become really rough, the days off decline, and FOs have been leaving for other regionals – never a good sign. However, talk to him about the SSP. The SSP gives him a preferential interview at Delta and they opened it up to FOs recently. That’s how my husband got to the majors. It’s just an interview, but it is hard to get an interview without PIC time, which I’m assuming is a problem for your husband. If he studies and prepares like crazy, it will get better. First year hourly at Delta is quite a bit higher than the FO max at Endeavor, and my husband didn’t even have to sit reserve when he went. They are doing so much hiring, he went straight on a line schedule, which is incredibly fantastic.

      So it gets better. But, man, it is hard to hear that year after year after year when the evidence doesn’t reflect that. Especially when you were blindsided by the reality of the lifestyle to begin with!

      I struggled with the lack of friends. I still struggle with the lack of friends. We moved right when my second child was born, and all my friends are tied to my children. Maybe pick up a hobby? Join a photography club, learn how to kayak, start hiking with a group? It’s hard to make friends as an adult :/

      • Stayseajo 29 March, 2015


        You are correct, he is with Endeavor and was there through the Mesaba, Pinnacle transition as well. He is aware of the interview process with Delta. He is currently getting his resume together. He has told me that the interview is incredibly hard. He plans to hire an interview coach. It’s good to know that your husband went right to a line schedule and not reserve. What regional did he work for and how long has he been at Delta? Any pointers or tips that your husband could share regarding the Delta interview would be great. He does have some PIC time from when he was a corporate pilot.
        I am frustrated with my friends. It just seems like they’re all busy with their husbands or kids. I will have to try to find something else to do. We are in the Black Hills, there are plenty of things to do, just nobody to do them with.

        • Amy Moore 31 March, 2015

          He was Endeavor. Hey, you want to drop me an email at My husband would be happy to talk to him about the process. He did an interview coach, and I think he has study material as well.

  29. Morgan 28 March, 2015

    I stumbled on to this page like most of you. I am newly married to a pilot and I love him very much. We are now a blended family. I have two children and he has two children. This all seemed so wonderful and exciting for all of us.
    As we settled into our new lives everyone seems to be adjusting well but me. I want to be so supportive of his career and encourage him in any way that I can but I am starting to build resentment. I use to find it exciting that he would share his days with me by sending random texts and pictures. I now find it hard to be excited for him. My life has consisted of packing, unpacking, setting up our home and being a stay at home mother. When he calls to tell me his flight does not take off until 9:30 at night so he is going to go running, sailing, hiking, exploring, hand out with his FO I can start to feel the resentment grow. My exciting day will be three loads of laundry, baseball practice, walking the dog, unloading the dishwasher….
    He sees and experiences thing that clear his mind, bring him joy, reset his mind, stimulate his thoughts and bring him back rejuvenated. By the time he enters the house I have nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table. I have not been outside of our town limits since last summer. In my mind all I can think is “must be nice”, I have been running around like a crazy woman trying to make everything nice for you to come home. He tells me that I should be happy for him and share in his joys. I know this is true but so much easier to do when you feel fulfilled yourself. He will say things like ” you should go do something with your friends this weekend”. This sounds great in theory until you actually look at the fact that it is not possible. My friends are married and the weekends are the times they get to spend with their husbands and children. There is also child care to consider. I am starting to build the most awful resentment. I want to be happy for him and how much he loves to fly and see all these amazing places but my well and self worth is running dry.
    How do you develop your own life when being married to a pilot?

    • Joanne 29 March, 2015

      Hi Morgan, I know exactly where you are coming from. I felt you were in my head!
      I also resented my husband! He would be out on overnights having beers and I would be home running the house. I don’t really know how I did it sometimes. There were a few arguments though. I did have a job that gave me some sense of worth and didn’t keep me stuck in the house.
      The turning point for me was changing my head space and looked at it differently. I can sit here and feel miserable or make myself happy. I stopped relying on him and just arranged my life and the kids. If he fitted in then that’s good, but I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him anymore. It seems mean writing it now, but it wasn’t. I told him what the kids had been doing. When he was home I made sure our routine didn’t change. Now that I look back I think he is the one who missed out on much of family life. Graduations birthdays anniversaries etc ….
      After 25 years of marriage though we are through the worst. The kids have grown up and now I can go on some trips with him. I still do what I want, but the kids have grown up well adjusted as I have been a permanent reliable figure in there lives and we have been able to travel and see things friends have not been able too.
      So basically be strong remember it’s your life so do things YOU enjoy and also tell your husband how you feel! Ask him to put happiness back into your life. Hope this helps!!

  30. Morgan 29 March, 2015

    Hi Joanne,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to write back and give me some much needed insight. It is difficult when your husband thinks your thoughts are coming from a selfish place. Unfortunately, like today…His flight landed near his home town last night and he does not fly out until late this evening. His mother picked him up at the airport last night so he could visit with them for the day. I know in my heart that is wonderful and would never begrudge a mother that time with her son. His day will be very different then mine…82 degree Texas day strolling the waterfront and visiting…cooked meals, adult conversation, laughing to my 26 degree Pennsylvania day of making meals, cleaning the kitchen, hemming the curtains, getting eggs filled for Easter…household chores. He comes back all smiles, a little sunkissed, “Hi Hon!”. At that point I want to hand him the laundry basket and shot him an evil eye. “So great to see you. How was your weekend?” I can feel it building inside each time he asks a question. What is wrong with me? I have found myself tearing up through the day just thinking about the dichotomy of our lives. He has told me that I knew he was a pilot when I married him.
    You have been married for 25 years so that gives me hope that this can work. I know I have to start building my own life but it is not as easy as he states..”Go out with your friends” Our children are 8,9,11, and 12. They are involved in sports and other activities and need at least one present parent. The arranging and adjusting of child care makes an evening out with friends almost not worth it. You said you worked but I can imagine that could be a challenge with children and a pilot husband as well; you must have been exhausted most of the time! I thought about going back to work but with the children getting off the bus and getting them to school in the morning.
    His older son, who is 15, does not live with us. He lives with his ex-wife. My husband told me his mother wants to plan a sailing trip for her two sons and there sons this summer so they can all spend time together. When he told me this, instead of being happy for him, I thought…”yup, just what you need…to get away for awhile.” I am turning into someone I don’t even like.
    May I asked what you did to develop your own life. How do you do that without doing it out of spite? How do you still love your husband and be excited about your own life that has to be separate from his. It tells you in so many places that pilots have such a high divorce rate. He is a good man and I do love him very much. I know that he has a smile a mile wide in Texas right now and is enjoying his day, I sit here with tears in my eyes.
    Thank you for any insight you might have.

    • Amy Moore 31 March, 2015

      Morgan, I feel you. I tried to work with the kids, and it didn’t go well. They were younger, but every bit of me was drained at the end of the day, and the resentment was high.

      We’re at ten years. I want to tell you that it has been easy, but it hasn’t. There were a few times I didn’t know if we’d make it. I read your initial comment out loud to my husband and said “this is how I felt.”

      It’s getting a little better, but his schedule has been better as well. I don’t feel that’s a coincidence. I still don’t have a life, but I’m hoping to have one again someday 🙂

      What has helped me is running. I was never athletic. I’m a bookworm. I started out with Couch to 5k and I didn’t know if I’d make it. But the running has done amazing things to my moods. When I’m down, it’s almost always because I haven’t gotten any running time in. Twenty minutes is all it takes, and I’m a different person.

  31. jemnifer 6 April, 2015

    I have been married to my husband for 32 years and out of the 32 years he was a PILOT…and he is still a pilot… It has been a struggle to say the least being a single mom… He has worked for the sane airline the entire time of our marriage! I have days I want to leave but too much time vested and all of the kids we created on his drop in days are all grown and gone! How do I ask for a divorce?

    • Dorayne 7 April, 2015

      Hi Jennifer, I feel your frustration. What I don’t know is why specifically you want a divorce? I know why I want a divorce which is that during his entire career as a pilot (he will be retiring at the end of August) he considers himself a real stud and a chick magnet. As has behaved accordingly. He recently told me that he needs his “free time” after retirement. After his last trip, I’m telling him that he can have all the free time he wants if I can take half the money. As I am his first wife, this will be considerable.

      If you have similar problems, get out – it will never get better. You don’t have to ask for a divorce. Just go to an attorney and have him write your husband an appropriate letter. You do not need your husband’s permission to file for divorce. Pilots get sort of weird after a while. They think that because the cabin and cockpit crew have to follow their
      orders, that everyone else should do the same. Guess what? We’re emancipated.

    • Amy Moore 19 April, 2015

      Ouch. I’m sorry things are rough for you. 32 years is a long time to give up, but it is also a long time to hold something together that wasn’t meant to be. I don’t have the answers you are looking for, but I hope you find them.

  32. Morgan 19 April, 2015

    Well, it has been about a month since I wrote the last time and I would love to say things are getting better but I don’t think they are. It is difficult for couple to have misunderstandings living in the same house and seeing each other every night…it is exponentially more difficult to have a misunderstanding when your husband is a pilot and your means of communication are reduced to brief phone calls and texting. It is very difficult to read each other or even reach out for a hand to hold. I tried to express to him how I felt about not being a part of his world and it went over like lead. He told me about a run he took earlier in the morning from a hotel in Florida. He told me about the sand and the water, and watching the little crabs. I told him…here comes the fatal mistake…that I was very happy for him that he was able to enjoy things like that and that I want to embrace and be happy for his joys but could he please see my disappointment that I could not see those things with him”. He told me I stole the joy from his day and that he didn’t care to be married to me anymore. I tried so hard to explain to him that I really do want him to enjoy his layovers and if he doesn’t fly again to the pm to explore where he was, if he was in a place that had anything to offer. Not every place does. Some are quite boring and the hotels are right next to the airports with no where to go.
    I feel like we live in two different worlds and that I am really not part of the world that keeps him away. I hope he calms down a little and we can work through a way to blend these worlds. I signed up to take a once a week painting class at a local art association to try and move my life in a direction that I had my own interests outside of the home and had something to share with him. He though I was being very selfish and tried to pull the joy out of his day. I pray he is not serious about a divorce. My heart has been breaking all day and I have been in tears. He flies the rest of the day with a couple layovers but has turned his phone off so I can not reach him.
    I love him, I am trying to make my own life and support his but I am apparently doing a really bad job!!
    so sad

    • Amy Moore 19 April, 2015

      Oh, hon. Take a deep breath. Yes, it is easy to have misunderstandings over text and the phone.

      Can you guys get away for a couple days? You need to talk. And listen. And understand. You both have to want to make the marriage work and really work at it. A marriage counselor?

      When we were at a pretty low time, we wrote out a list of things we needed, and why we felt we didn’t have it. Then we exchanged them and read them. Then we talked about it calmly. Maybe that would be helpful? But I know there’s not a lot you can do when he’s on a trip.

      I’m sorry things are rough right now. I hope they get better, quickly.

  33. Susie 22 April, 2015

    Hi Gals,
    I just found your website as I was wondering if anyone else felt the pain that I do. I am an ex-wife. I simply couldn’t take my pilot husband coming home and treating me with the disappointment anymore. I think many must get treated like little ‘kings’ in their flying castles and when they have to come home to the reality of a wife, home, and ‘a normal world” it simply ruins their attitude.
    I ended up being the “cheater,” because I feel for someone who really didn’t amount to anything in the long run. What I have realized is that there are many wYs to cheat a marriage – if someone is cold, indifferent, or just mean, that person is cheating the marriage. Pilots who come home and expect their wives to behave like air-waitresses are cheaters. Get out before you end up doing something stupid like I did.

    • Dorayne 24 April, 2015

      Hi Susie, You did the right thing. I was (am) one of the stupid ones. I hope that you’ve found someone who appreciates you and is more interested in the relationship with you than in his ego. Good luck!

  34. Amy 4 June, 2015

    Wow! I have been struggling with being a pilots wife for quite a while now, but never even thought to look for a blog like this. It’s encouraging and comforting to read that I am not the only one who is struggling and feels lonely. I have reached a point now that I’m feeling like I just don’t want to do it anymore. It’s a little baffling to me that this is happening now since I have been married for 20+ years and my kids are 18 and 15, but the older I get the lonelier I feel. And I’m feeling more and more disconnected from my husband. All of our friends are couple friends and even though I go out to lunch here and there with the girls, most of them want to spend their weekends with their families and husbands. I understand that completely but still leaves me with way too much alone time. I even work full time including some nights and weekends – I can’t even imagine if I didn’t have that to take up my time.
    Has anyone else tired of the lifestyle as they (and their kids) aged?? I just feel like there should be more than this to my relationship and marriage. My husband is a good guy overall. I just think the lifestyle has worn on me/us after all these years.

  35. Amy 7 June, 2015

    I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years and he has been a commercial pilot with a regional for the last 2.5 years. We are lucky because I have a good career and make good money because FO’s in regionals don’t make a thing. We have a 3 yo and another on the way. My husband is amazing and will start helping out around the house and with our son from the minute he gets in the door to the minute he leaves again. But it’s just not enough. It’s nearly impossible to be the breadwinner and single parent. It is extremely lonely and if I have to watch my 3 yo cry one more time that he wants his daddy home I will cry myself. We are both (hubbie and I) trying everything we can to find a career change for him. It was his life’s dream to be a pilot and he absolutely loves it, but he knows that he will regret it looking back having missed all those years with his wife and kids. Also, I have made it clear to him that this will not be my life. I love him and can’t imagine a better man, but I deserve better than 10 days a month. So we are both on board for a change and are praying it comes soon.

  36. Thenicole 9 June, 2015

    Hi. I am so glad to have this support. I am newly remarried to a pilot . We each have daughters. They are 10 and 11. I work , but make my schedule so I can pick my daughter from school. So now when my husband is flying my stepdaughters mother expects me to be the parent. It’s impossible to take care of both and still work . The driving to schools and activities is way too much. If I wasn’t working myself it wouldn’t be a problem. With flight delays and schedule of his constantly changing I am exhausted! Any suggestions ?

  37. Marty 16 June, 2015

    OMG!! I too thought I was the only one. I was married to a Navy pilot for 25 years and he cheated on me. We are divorced and am so happy. He’s now retired from the Navy and has worked at a regional airline until one month ago and is onto the corporate world. I don’t know much about this particular life style and he won’t discuss his schedule with me. We have a 14 year old daughter and he’s in a campaign to get full custody of her. I’m a stay at home mom and know that he will be gone the majority of the month just like he was in the Navy.
    Does anyone have advice or insight into the corporate flying world. Schedule, Pay, Perks? He’ll be flying the Boeing Business Jet (BBJ) . I too have done “single mom” thing and yet they don’t understand because they’re not around to see what we do to keep life moving at home.

    • Thenicole 16 June, 2015

      My husband flies cooperate. The pay is around 140k. Usually a lot less flying and much easier job. Will he go to marriage counseling with you? I’ve been through a divorce and it’s terrible.

      • Marty 16 June, 2015

        Hi! No, not now. He’s remarried to the woman that broke up our marriage. What is the schedule like? He’s just got the corporate gig last week and is off to training somewhere, he won’t tell me, for 3 weeks. The company is AVJET. do you or anyone else know about this company? mpx

  38. Smithf7 21 July, 2015

    Your goal is to breed all the different dragons fagggbbgceegdbde

  39. BLT 28 July, 2015

    Hi everyone. I am married to a pilot as well, but he hasn’t started working yet. He plans to complete his CFI this fall and look for a teaching job. He is from South America and his goal is to get a job overseas once he has sufficient hours, as US airline jobs are tough and extremely underpaid. I met him living in his country and we dated long-distance for a year prior to getting married, so we have some experience with adaptability and keeping our relationship strong while apart, but reading all these blogs makes me a little nervous about the future. I also want a family and prefer to have our first child soon, so that he is present, but we’re both nervous about starting a family…he’s especially nervous about being able to support a family on a teacher’s or entry-level flying salary. He kind of sees it as impossible and is worried a baby might mean the end of his dreams. Any insights about this? I want to encourage him that he can be a successful pilot and have a family, but I’m realistic to know that it won’t be easy.

  40. Nemo 19 August, 2015

    Hi All,
    My new experience has been very frustrating for me and I would like to seek for your kind and genuine advice. I have recently been reunited with my ex-boy friend of 25 years ago who is now a captain of a big jet. (we both are now divorced) He flies to the country at where I am located once a month and he is based or lives 9 hr of flight time away from me. Its been two visits so far during the course of the past 3 months and we spent the entire time together (usually 2.5 days) before he had to fly back to his base country. I must admit that it was more than wonderful each time as in we were the newly weds. Now I am in big distress not knowing when he will return, and spending the entire time waiting for him and missing him badly. It hurts tremendously inside and I just cannot bear it no more. Not to mention, while he was here with me during the 2 and a half days, though he seemed fully devoted to me and very passionate the entire time but was very cautious with where his phone was placed. So I suspected that he might also be communicating with some special one(s) at other places at the same time. While he is gone, we don’t communicate everyday, just very occassionally over text messages. I so realize that I dont want to be his once-a-month lover in this country, perhaps I should just run now before its too late. Do you all think so?

    • Amy Moore 19 August, 2015

      Ask. Talk to him.

      However, trust your gut. If you feel something is wrong, it probably is. He wouldn’t be the first pilot with a girlfriend in several countries.

  41. Christina 9 September, 2015

    Hi guys, My husband and I have been together for four years. When he was younger he did the air cadets thing, and got his private pilot license. He didn’t proceed with getting his commercial when he was younger. He has always regretted this. He talks about flying like its the greatest thing in the world. It’s his dream to fly for a living. He is currently working in the banking industry, and has since we met. He’s had the 9-5 with set days off for the entire time we have met. I have grown fairly dependent on him for my happiness in this time. He switched jobs to another company not 6 months ago, and is talking about flying again, he wants to go through the schooling now. We just bought a house, and i feel that it is a terrible time to even be considering it. But he really hates doing the 9-5 for some reason. I promised I would look up some blogs from “Pilot’s wives” to see what the actual side of things entailed before making any decisions. I do not want him to be miserable, but I know, that I am not personally strong enough to live the kind of life you ladies are living. I would not be happy. I want to have one or two kids, but I don’t want to be the only one to see their first steps, or to be the only one there on the first day of kindergarten, to be the only one to have to kiss all the booboos, and to be the bad guy all of the time. Everything I am reading from the wives point of view, tells me no, if he does this, it will be the end of our marriage, maybe not right away, but it will be. We are very open in our communication, and we talk about everything. What I am really looking for here is, what would you do, if given the choice to go back, and follow a different path with your husband, one that has him home everyday for dinner, set weekends, and every night next to him? Would you give it up? Would he give it up? I don’t want to kill my husbands hopes and dreams, I don’t want him to resent me for saying no sometime in the future, but I feel that if i say yes, and work with him to become a commercial pilot, it’s going to be the end.

    • Stacy 9 September, 2015

      All of your concerns are very legit. My husband and I were married for 17 years when he decided to go back to school. Prior to that, he was home every night, coached the kids, all holidays home, every weekend home. He hated his job. I went round and round with him about doing it. He just decided that is what he wanted to do. I felt if I held him back, he might be resentful, although he isn’t that kind of guy. He went away to school, it was hell. He works for a regional now and that is no better. Your husband will probably make 1/2 to 1/3 of what he makes now. The pay sucks for years. He is gone every weekend, birthday, holiday, anniversary. It is very hard. We have been together 25 years now, if I didn’t love him so much, I would’nt stick around. I struggle everyday when he is gone. It was hard for the boys. The youngest just graduated and I am alone all the time now. I’m really lonely. There are wives out there that do fine. We do get to travel and that is a nice benefit. It’s just a balancing act and I am still learning everyday. I wish you all the luck in the world. Let me know if you have any questions. There is a lot more to talk about. Don’t just take my opinion, there are plenty of people that do fine. It’s just an individual thing.

    • Amy Moore 14 September, 2015

      Oh man. That’s a question. It would be really hard to make ends meet while he’s racking up student loans. Then it would be really hard making ends meet while he’s making McDonald’s rates as a FO at a regional. It is stressful to do the school and it is stressful to do the initial training, not to mention being on reserve. Add that stress to an unhappy wife and not being able to afford anything – and a biological clock ticking? I wouldn’t want it. When my husband was doing all that, he was renting a room and eating hot dogs and we hadn’t met yet. We’ve been married 10 years, and we’re down to $45k on the student loan, he’s finally at a major and things are finally looking up, but that’s a long decade to be unhappy.

      That said – he’s made both kids births. He’s missed a lot of holidays, but we move them. We schedule around him. I choose to homeschool the kids to match his schedule, so he sees them more than most fathers. He may miss a game, but he’ll make their practice. He has an amazing relationship with the kids and spends a lot of time with them. We’ve had problems along the way. The first couple of years at home with the kids was rough rough. But it gets better.

  42. rachel 20 September, 2015

    hello i was wondering what kind of job you need to have as a woman in order to have a succesful relationship with a pilot?or to spend time togheter as often as regular relationships? is it co pilot? flight attendant? im curently working in an economics domain which is totaly paralel with pilots lifestyle,so i was wondering if im an economist and him a pilot ,would the relationship work? we are not in a serious relationship yet but we been having casual dates for a while

    • Amy Moore 21 September, 2015

      There are women of every career that have successful relationships with pilots. I stay at home with our children and that makes things a lot easier, but I was a data analyst when we met and for the first 3 years of our marriage. We spent quite a bit of time together even then.

  43. Tracy 11 November, 2015

    “I thank God for using someone to refer me to the great prophet iyare site, which i odder for the healing and resurrection of our marriage. I used the help given to me on iyareyarespellstemple.webs. com in reuniting my marriage, putting my faith and believe in him and did all the great man ask of me. To God’s glory, today, Our marriage is restored for good, our children are loved, secure and happier, no more fights and verbal abuses. And great prophet iyare has done a tremendous, tremendous work in my faith. my husband now love me more then ever before and spend time with me and the children, prophet iyare bless us more then i expected our marriage is now wonderful, our finances are good and our family is whole. he can do the same for you by contacting him on his website iyareyarespellstemple.webs. com for nothing is impossible with Him Let’s continue to stand for our families and for others. God continue to bless you for your good work prophet iyare.
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  44. Misty 13 November, 2015

    I need help!!

    I am currently planning my wedding to a pilot who I have been with for 8 years and I love him…I truly do love him. The anticipation I get waiting for him to come home is great and than once he gets home the connection never really gets there. I am starting to panic that I am making a huge mistake that I will never get used to or learn to cope with this life. I can’t imagine my life without him but at the same time I can’t really imagine my life with him since it will be so minimal…I found this blog hoping it would end with some happy realization of yes it will be hard but you can do it! Now I just feel depressed and extremely stressed out since it feels like I am stuck between a rock and hard place without a solution. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know if I can ever live with the choice I have to make. Stay or go I lose on something…

    • Krista 13 November, 2015

      I won’t sugar coat it, it is hard but it is worth it if you love your fiancé. There are days that it is sad as you miss them so much, guess what? It is so ok to miss him. Now I am not one of those wives who thinks I should pamper my husband when he gets home. I work full time, take care of our two kids, and I am going back to school to get my masters degree. The two days he is home my husband jumps right in as hubby and dad, plus we own a business in town that he runs when he is in town (I have nothing to do with this and that does save our marriage ). There will be bad days but the good so our weigh the bad. In the beginning it was really hard, now after 7 years of marriage, we’ve got this. The kids and I gave a routine ( that he has to fit into when he comes home), the fear that he is going to leave me for some beautiful funny carefree flight attendant is gone (I just remind him how awesome his family is and we aren’t afraid to talk about temptation). Don’t be afraid but do be realistic. There will be good and there will be bad but that is every marriage. You will find a groove but it did take my husband and I a solid year and half to balance out after the wedding. Marriage is hard for everyone, you have to fight for it and work hard.

    • Amy Moore 13 November, 2015

      We celebrate our 10th year of marriage in a month. Families make it work. Marriage is always hard, marriage to a pilot is just a special kind of hard. If you guys both go in willing to work on your relationship, you will figure it out. Just go in with your eyes wide open 🙂

  45. Ava 2 December, 2015

    Hello, I’m here to talk about how my relationship was broken and how i save it, my husband saw me with my old school friend in college and said is over between us without even asking me what i was doing with him, because i truly love him i was looking for a solution to get him back till one faithful day i was searching through something on the Internet and i came across someone talking about Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE on how Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE save her marriage so i also took the details of Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE and contacted him and told him about my situation, he told me not to worry that everything will be ok, today I’m happy to tell you that my husband is back to me and I’m even pregnant for him right and we celebrate the last Christmas together, here is Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE contact via email: ((ekpentemple at Grateful

  46. Anonymous 9 December, 2015

    I was with my ex for 3 years n 6mthns n he cheated on me so we split, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Mr Robinson i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did A Lover Spell for me And after some days, my lover returned back to me I’d like to say that i got a positive result from
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  47. Grace 12 December, 2015

    Glad to have found this blog. I am contemplating starting a relationship with a commercial pilot/captain. He is already in his 60s and retiring in 3 years, so based on the above commments..glad his career is almost behind. One thing that is bothersome to me is the lack of communication while he is away. It is a new relationship and i must be patient..we have known each other for 2 months and have gone out on long dates 2x where he really focuses on me and treats me like a gentleman at which time he schedules our next time together for when he returns. This month will be a long separation because he is training on a new plane and will be away for a whole month. So when they are training and/or away…are they so focused that they dont keep in touch? He asked for me to be parient and wait for him during this last one stretch…but no communication at all? I wasnt expecting the silence this time. Our last conversation he said he would be more available through iphone when overseas. From our conversation about his last marriage it seems like he did not contact his ex wife that often, and the marriage counselor instructed him to do that every day when they were trying to save the marriage which obviously work because the remained married for a long time after.

    I am extremely independent and the separation works great for me but not the lack of being in touch. It leaves me wondering if I’ll hear from him again or not. Being a new relationship i will not call but let him take the lead. I dont like to be asking people that I need a little reassurance and just let him do what comes out if his heart.

    Should I be running from this situation? He seems like a very nice man and fun to be with, just bring out insecurities in me when he is away.

    Thank you.

  48. Katherine 29 December, 2015

    This is so insightful.

    I am living with a pilot and am on the verge of getting engaged.

    I love this man, but we have some serious relationship problems and I’m fearful that they might only get worse with time and the stress of dating a pilot.

    As a true pilot, he is extremely bright and is an engineer/teacher at heart. This can be hard to deal with every day, because no, I don’t want to hear about how to more efficiently turn my wheels when I drive. I have driven for the last 20 years and have made it fine.

    I also am told that I need to be “stronger” and go with the flow, but I am a planner. It’s tough to find out that he won’t be joining his family reunion and I am going there solo, when I Could have been spending time with my cousin who is in from out of the country.

    For those that are married, what would you say is/are most important for a successful marriage to a pilot?


    I want to married a richest female pilot now


    I want to marriy to a richest single female pilot now and always

    • FuturePilotWife 3 January, 2016

      I have been living with my regional pilot for 3 years. We are engaged and planning to marry this year. You know in the beginning when we first started getting serious I would read these blogs and think ok well it’s a hard life but seems like some people do make it work . Hmmm, If I had a chance to go back in time before I invested as much into my relationship I would have run the other way !

      If you want to know the truth, the hardest part about being in a relationship with a pilot isn’t that they are gone all the time – you get used to that; it isn’t jealousy, because you have just as much opportunity to cheat as they do – it requires trust on both sides; it isn’t even the low pay, as long as you are a two income family you always find a way around it.

      The hardest part about living with a pilot is that they are complete narcissists. Your life will revolve around their career, even if you make more money that they do. They are used to being in control and think they are right ALL of the time, so be prepared for condescending conversations where you are wrong about everything and learn to be open to tips on how to do things the “right ” way. Forget about the idea of having creative interesting conversations over wine about the economy, politics , science or whatever – instead be prepared to bone up on the latest battles within the union, contract disputes, airline industry trends, and what his next career move needs to be . Pilots spend hours on forums and have few non pilot friends so they literally eat sleep and breathe the industry . So will you .

      As far as the travel perks yeah it’s nice to be able to hop a plane and fly first class to Paris for a few days over Christmas, or take a quick trip to Bernuda just because you can – but sister you PAY for those trips in more ways than one.

      I have invested too much into this relationship emotionally and financially to turn back now . We don’t have kids, I have a strong career of my own and am too busy while he’s gone to mind living alone most of the time . My fiancé is smart , sexy, and has good morals – and I realize that there are perhaps worse fates than living with a narcissist . However I cannot underscore enough what a difficult and lonely life it truly is , because even when they are “with you ” physically thier minds are elsewhere thinking about the next trip, upcoming training or possible career changes .

      I say the only women who should even consider marrying a pilot are those who HIGHLY value travel (as I do) , those who enjoy a lot of alone time, and those who can find fulfillment in relationships outside of their marriage – close family ties, lots of friends , work etc. Marriage to a pilot does not mean a shared life – it means living a parallel life with someone you love . If you can live with that and love to see the world, then give it a shot 🙂

      • Alex 8 January, 2016

        Wow reading these posts really hit a nerve. I am married to an airline pilot and we have a two month old daughter. Needless to say…life has been hard. I’m lucky that my parents are close by so my mom and I spend a lot of time together…plus I work mostly from home so I do get to see him a lot when he’s home. I think the take away from everything I’ve learned about my marriage and the guys I had relationships with before my husband is that it depends on the man, not the job he’s in. If he’s a dog, he’ll be one whether or not he’s at home. Being a pilot provides more opportunity for indiscretions but if he’s a man of character than that will translate wherever he goes. My husband has grown to hate his career because of the time away from his daughter and is seriously looking into finding a new career path. I told him I’d support him one way or another…but we have our bad days. Resentment over being a single mom, especially when I’m the primary breadwinner can definitely take its toll. He puts in so much effort though to try and tip the scales so that we are even contributors. When he’s home I’ll sleep in the guest room a few nights to get caught up on sleep. And we plan. Trips and date nights – every time he comes home he is there 100%. So ladies who are married to pilots…remember it could be worse. They could be stationed overseas, policemen putting their lives at risk or worse…couch potatoes. We are lucky to live in the generation we do..,where women can own their careers and find fulfillment beyond just their spouse. So my advice to anyone looking to build a life with a pilot…it’s about the man…not the uniform.

  51. Kirti 12 January, 2016

    Hey hii everyone,
    This blog is really nice for Pilot’s wife. Actually, I am confused so please help me.
    I am Indian girl. I have the marriage proposal of Pilot. I am impressed on him (Pilot) but I have another proposal and he is working in IT industry. Both are very good with very best package, but I would feel proud with Pilot ;).
    I real don’t know the Pilot’s life and their wives life. Please help me for choosing right one. I am really confused. But when I think from my heart it goes with Pilot. But after reading this now totally confused.
    Hey ladies please help me and tell me something about Pilot profession.

    • Lila 12 January, 2016

      Stick with IT guy.

  52. Suri 12 January, 2016

    My husband is a military pilot switching to the airlines. He is going directly to a major airline. Is anyone on here in the same situation… Advice ,,

  53. Rebecca 27 January, 2016

    All of these comments hits home for me. I’m a pilot’s wife with two young kids (6yr old and 1.5 yr old). I also work full-time myself and have recently become aware of how alone and unhappy I am. It’s even hard for me to write this and actually admit it out loud as I have not shared this with anyone yet..
    My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10 of them (we met and got together back in high school). Our relationship and marriage has always been great, but lately it’s taking a toll on me. I always knew he wanted to be a pilot and I have always supported him 100% (I supported him financially through flight school and have always been the bread-winner), but it has become much more stressful and hard on me and how far I can stretch myself as a full-time working mom of two and being a single-mom for the most part. I feel overwhelmed and completely exhausted all of the time and have no time to take a time-out for myself. I have a supportive family and in-laws that are willing to help out, but it’s never enough to really make me feel like I can come back strong and ready to tackle the days ahead and even more days and nights being alone (maybe I’m just being selfish….).
    When my husband is home, he’s usually parked on the couch, although in his free-time, he flips houses with his brother, and when the kids are at school/day-care and I’m at work, he’s home alone, able to do anything he wants and have all the free-time he needs and all of this is outside of the free-time he gets on his overnight trips. When I get home from work (1hr commute, each way) with the kids, I usually don’t sit down until the kids are in bed, but that is also my time to do the needed chores around the house. I have about 2.5 hrs in the evenings to do everything that’s needed before the kids go to bed. He always works on the weekends, so again, I get no break before my work week starts back up. It’s a rare thing that the hubby will do the chores without me asking when he’s home alone all day. It’s not that he’s lazy, I get that he is also tired and needs a break, but I feel like most of the stuff is on me, even when he’s home.
    He’s been working for a regional airline for almost 1 year now and has been on reserve a lot and his schedule is always ‘up in the air’. We haven’t had a break together for months and family-time with the kids is almost non-existent between our kindergartner and her homework and our youngest being all-dependent on us.
    The money is horrible, especially with $130+ thousand school loans for my husband alone. The benefits would be great to use, but we can’t afford to stay anywhere due to the finances (day-care, mortgage, school loans, etc).
    We keep telling each other that life will get easier and some day in the future I won’t have to work anymore, but it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially with me feeling unhappy lately and wondering if I can handle this and would it be easier if I were not married or with someone else who would be able to be there with and for me….I hate to say it, but there it is.
    My parents divorced when I was around 5 yrs old and I have seen what that has done to my mother and that is something I don’t want for myself or my kids, but at the end of the day, how healthy and good is it for the kids and myself if I’m always on edge, always angry/resentful and always exhausted that I’m unable to create the home that I always thought we would have.
    It seems like this became more of a venting session for me, so I apologize for that, but I just needed to get it out and knowing so many other wives/moms out there will understand what I’m feeling, made me feel comfortable to share this on here.
    My husband has also started noticing that I’m unhappy. He’s asking me if I have become bored with him and is always (weekly) asking me if I still love him and if I’m happy. He’s also brought up AIDS (Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome) and mentions that many times, divorcing a pilot is inevitable.
    Does anyone have any thoughts or advise for me? Thank you.

    • Amy Moore 2 February, 2016

      Regional pay sucks. Student loans are even worse. First, the kids get better. Once my youngest was 3, it got so much better.

      Second, the schedules and the pay do get better, but it is easy to feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There’s no guaranteed timeline on going to a major. While it probably won’t take the 11 years it took my husband, it probably won’t happen fast enough to fix everything.

      Look into EAP, and see if you can get marriage counseling. A lot of times it will be free through your benefits for the first few sessions. They’ll do a much better job than I will in helping you through it. But I don’t think divorce is ever inevitable.

  54. nicole 28 January, 2016

    i so appreciate this blog. This is my second marriage and I was not prepared on how difficult it is to be married to a pilot. My husband flies cooperate . I think the airlines would be even more challenging. I think it would be easier if his salary allowed me to stay home. I work until picking up my daugher. I am either busy all day working and being a mom or alone when my daughter is with her dad. We have 50 percent custody with our 11 and 10 year old daughters. In the last 6 months I have gone through a complicated surgery, and now the flu alone. HIs job is unpredictable. After he is gone for a few days he gets home and need to “unwind”. His clock is off from time change. He needs to get his work out in and has lots of office work when not flying. I feel selfish for even complaining, but i feel pretty alone. He is an introvert as well. Any advise.? I already have yoga and a life outside of him. Most of my friends are married and single friends are out on the town.

    • Amy Moore 2 February, 2016

      That sounds like the airlines, so it probably isn’t that different. Don’t feel bad – this life is hard on both of you physically, and on you emotionally. Try to find a point of understanding or resentment is going to set in quickly.

      I haven’t solved the loneliness. I have my kids 24/7. I’m not looking forward to when they are out of the house and I have to figure out what to do with myself. Are there any other pilot wives near you? Maybe you could do a meetup with them and find someone you have something in common with.

  55. Ella 2 February, 2016

    My relationship with my pilot just ended. Complete disconnect when he was away, constant disappointment and loneliness and worst of all, gonorrhea. I’m sure he had multiple affairs – such a sense of entitlement.

    • Amy Moore 2 February, 2016

      Ouch 🙁 Good luck, Ella. I’m sorry that happened to you.

  56. Maya 10 February, 2016

    Hey, so i’ve been with this guy for almost 5 years and i cant seem to let him go i just love him way too much but he’s a pilot & i’m not sure if i could just marry him like that! Isn’t gonna be so hard? I’ll be working too so i cant be always traveling with him! I dont wanna sleep alone, eat alone,stay home alone.. I feel like he wont be there for me whenever i need him or whenever im upset or what if i got pregnant? Please help i’m really stuck and i really dont know what to do!!

  57. Colleen 16 February, 2016

    My marriage to my husband of 10 years has been a roller coaster ride. He has missed more than half of our life together.i stay at home and raise our 3 beautiful children. I always thought of him to have good moral character and judgment. I never thought in a million years he would cheat. I recently found a naked picture of a 25 year old flight attendant on his phone. How clichés I am emotionally destroyed. If I could go back I would have never chosen this life.

  58. Carly 19 March, 2016

    At this moment, my pilot is in Aruba. He has been laying on the beach all day, getting a tan, siping cocktails and ea ting extravegnet meals. Right now he is at some kind of special event at the hotel where half naked women are dancing on the beach for entertainment. Me, I’ve been home all day with our sick toddler and had a frozen pizza for dinner. This life is so very hard!!

    • Morgan 19 March, 2016

      Hi Carly, It is not easy. It is a hard life and you are not alone. I struggle every time my husband, pilot, leaves. I walk in the house and look at all I have to do and what my next couple days will look like. Taking care of the kids, little to no adult contact, and a never ending list of things to do. I look at his itinerary and see that he lands in California and will have a day to relax. To get up when you want, brush your teeth without hearing a child call your name, go to eat a prepared and cleared breakfast, work out for awhile, go for a run, go to the beach, read a book, get dressed at leisure and go work a job where everyone thinks you are wonderful. A little different than the life of a stay at home mom. The hardest part is trying not to build resentment. I always wished that he could trade places with me for a week but a friend brought up to me a very valid point….we would have to trade places for a year before he would even begin to understand the feelings of life seeming “unfair”. The only thing that I have found that helps is to let go of what they are doing. Live in the moment that is in front of you. When the thought of everyone accommodating them turn your thoughts back to your own life in front of you. One by one your own daily joys will filter in. Sit with the children at a park on a beautiful day, have a friend over for morning coffee, take a painting class, watch a movie you like…try to do things for yourself, even if it is little. Know that you are not the only pilot wife sitting at home trying to work through the exhaustion, loneliness, and resentment. I love my husband, and I am sure you love yours but you are both living his dreams…make your own.

  59. Mark 4 April, 2016

    There’s a common theme arising here; pay and free flights. Talk about materialism. No wonder your husbands are cheating!

    Credit to them, they’re professionals doing a demanding job and keeping people safe.

    • Amy Moore 7 April, 2016

      The pay can be a challenge, and the free flights touted as a perk don’t always make up for it.

      I’m on year 10 of marriage and I give my husband a lot of credit for the job he does. But even he thinks your comment is not in line with the article or the majority of the other comments.

  60. Nicole 16 April, 2016

    I am so glad I found this site, for better or worse. I haven’t been married a full year yet and my husband became a regional pilot the month after we were married. I understood the month of training, but it has really been sinking in all the time that he is away. I have periods of insecurity, which is very much not like me; and one day I realized (before I found this site) that if we had kids I would be raising them as a single parent. I am so torn because I do want kids, but I just never dreamed I would be raising them alone. I don’t know if that is the type of life I want. I am a nurse, so I have my own career and am the primary bread winner now. I’m sorry if this is all jumbled, but I am in tears because I am seriously debating giving up on my dream of kids so that I can keep the good relationship we have, so that I don’t become less attractive, so that I can go on flights with him and see the world; which was supposed to be the perk of his job. I’m at a crossroads and I really don’t know what to do. I mentioned not having kids because I would feel like I would be raising them myself and it slipped out that I wished that I knew what his job would be like before we got married. My husband is very sharp with a degree in psychology and asked if I regretted marrying him and if I didn’t want to have kids or really if I didn’t want to have kids with him. I don’t even know how to answer any of this.

  61. Pilot's Wife 8 May, 2016

    I’m married to a pilot from a major international Asian airline. We have only been married since last year but we’ve been together for almost three. I’m also expecting and our little one is due next month. I just wanted to say that I knew what I was getting myself into. We’ve missed Christmas, New Years, birthdays and Valentines. But frankly, I haven’t minded at all as we just move the celebration dates. I go to functions alone or with friends when he’s away and as we share our calendars, we easily plan our schedules accordingly. I stay at home as working full time would mean we’d be unable to maximize the time we have together plus now that I’m expecting, we want one parent to be at home. I actually enjoy the time I have alone as I use it to do what I want to do and equally I love when he’s here as he’s truly a dear, sweet man whom I’m crazy about. There’s no jealousy or concerns on either side but if there had been, I wouldn’t have proceeded with the relationship as being a pilot’s wife, you need to have unquestionable faith in one another or it just cannot work. I know other pilots – military and commercial and they’re all solid family men. I also know of the shadier characters in the industry but I can tell you that having worked for almost 20 years, affairs and the like are not solely the domain of aviators. If a man (or woman) is that way inclined, then they’ll find a way.

    I’m incredibly proud of my husband. He’s a true professional and takes the responsibility he has in ensuring the safety of all the souls on board with utmost seriousness as do all pilots. So when he enjoys his layovers, good on him! I’d never begrudge him his downtime and why would I want him to be stuck inside a hotel room by himself?

    Please do not think that I don’t empathize with the common concerns here but I wanted to show that it’s not all doom and gloom and some of us wives are extremely content and happy to boot.

  62. Nicholas 13 May, 2016

    Hello Everyone,

    Thanks for writing this blog, I am a current pilot trying to live my life and advance my career. I enjoy reading all of the posts and listening to everyone’s story. I know that many pilots share similar personality traits, but I think it is entirely possible to live a relatively normal life as a pilot. Amy nailed it with her thoughts regarding picking the right person. Mostly, wives do not get enough credit for all of the work that they do while we are away. As a result, it is important to help as much as possible, even though it is very tiring retuning from a trip. With the advancement of social media, it is becoming easier to stay in touch. I often share a digital dinner with my family, and talk to them every day via Skype and FaceTime. I hold very strong values and would never consider being unfaithful to my wife or significant other. Aviation is a lifestyle, and it is important for others to realize everything that is attached to it. One is low pay and high debt. However, if you manage things well it is doable.

  63. Anonymous 16 May, 2016

    I totally regret my married life to my pilot. I have never been so sad and lonely ever. In my opinion, it is a matter of luck and whether the industry corrupts them or not. I met my pilot at 18. He was 20. He had his private license and dreamed of military then commercial. I was stupid. I trusted him and thought he had such great character and integrity and that he really loved me deeply. We married when I was 21, he 23. After 6 years together, 3 dating and 3 married, he changed. He was so focused on getting flight school that he would come home from his military desk job and I felt neglected and ignored, both emotionally and physically for months. I cried myself to sleep every night and he never touched me anymore. We had a son who was almost one and I was devastated that he seemed so distant. After a year of crying, I had an affair and I asked for a separation. Twice over the next year I was the one who made attempts to reconcile as I knew I loved him very much. He said he wanted to, but what hurt was that I was the one who pursued him. He says I did because he finally got into flight school, but that is not true because I was alone and working with our son for months before asking. I wanted to try again. We reconciled and went on to have 4 more children although our 3rd died at full term. That loss was 21 years ago this week. Our children are all grown now and next month will be our 29th anniversary and I regret getting back with him. Most of all these 20 or so years he has changed even more so especially when he went to the commercial airlines. I stayed at home all these years but he did not let me do the parenting. He would be gone and come home to undo my punishments. We have fought over parenting for years and years. My home was his cockpit too. He also never seemed to forgive my affair and he had his fun too, more than once by sending me messages that he might be cheating. He has had dating profiles, and had his ring missing, doesn’t call home much and pretty much tells me how it will be when he is gone. He never comes to bed even when he is home, he comes to bed late and I always fall asleep alone. His neglect of me that led to my affair, he has made me pay for the past 24 years. I stayed to raise the kids and yes to try. There really was nowhere else to go when he was hardly home anyway. It is a sad sad situation. My mother recently died and I have been through hell because of it and my youngest graduates high school soon. I am always alone and I know he doesn’t love me. If he did I would feel it. I searched for attention 24 years ago because for whatever reason, the way pilots are, he didn’t want to give it anymore. I have suffered silently for my whole adult life and should have never married him. I beg for romance and time, but he has excuses, he says I am always angry. I wonder why. He calls me the C word and the B word a lot. He yells at me in the car and drives like a nut only to pull over and leave me with the car and he walks away. He used to be fun, make me laugh, and was a family man at times. What I used to love diaappeared when he went to the airlines. After we reconciled years ago, he was in the military flying and home most nights. But it has been the airlines that changed him. He comes home saying stuff and I know he has hung around weird people. Like “I want separate bank accounts” or after he watched porn, “will you shave your—?” And only ONCE in 32 years together did he come home from an airline trip and seduce me saying “I love you and want you to know I don’t want to take you for granted.” Gee, sounds like guilt because just months later I found dating profiles and email pics with him sitting with a flight attendant and his ring was missing in all the pics, but not his necklace. I have been a stupid fool. Now all these months while I grieve my mother, he does not touch me AGAIN. I can count numerous times in the 32 years he never wants sex. Way too many nights alone and bored even when he is home. And no I am not fat. My kids friends say I am hot. I look great and in fact better than the flight attendants. I gave up trying as a wife about 8 years ago when all the profiles were found. He gave up before that apparently. I am devastated that I have been with him since I was 18 and I am so emotionally abused. I cry all the time and now that our youngest is grown I feel like he has really ditched me. I always gave it my all but was always rejected. He has never known what he has had right in front of him. He only saw airplanes. I pursued a man when I was young who just married me for a reason I do not know. He has never made me believe him that he loves me. I am just a natural born stupid sucker who fell in love, wanted that family and home life, and he wanted airplanes with me only when he wanted me. I sit here tonight not knowing what I am going to do. I only know that I am sad, lonely, and regretful. And if he sees this, I do know he would say “then we should be over.” He has never fought for me because I always was there and stayed or begged for his attention. Like I said, I was sooooo stupid and still am as of today. My advice? It is not a good industry to marry into. Your pilot must have the utmost integrity, and be the utmost gentleman ever, and never question your needs and treat you like a queen. If he is devoted in every way that you need, and gives you all if himself with a job like this, and leaves you without you WONDERING if he loves you, you are good. If you feel unloved, lonely, no sex, no romance, controlled with how you are as a mother, or wife, leave. For me it isn’t too late, but I am always alone anyway. I don’t want to date again, he ruined that for me, at least for now. He has it all, apparently. Everything has always been more important than me. I tell him that, but nothing ever changes. I have medical issues now too that keep me depressed and unmotivated. I hate my life. I did depend on him for a lot of my happiness, as we have been together my whole adult life. I have not known any other way. I still don’t but I pray every day to God to help me smile again.

  64. Anonymous 16 May, 2016

    Nicholas, who recently commented, I would give anything to know my husband would write what you wrote. You are an example to all the sleazy pilots. I wish my husband would skype and do a digital dinner. Instead he eats with his crew. He has never skyped a dinner with me or the kids or said he wanted phone sex or whatever. He tells me ” I napped or worked out, I can talj for a bit, but I am due to meet the other pilot in the lobby”. Yeah whatever. He always has to meet them, amd gets nasty if I want him to stay and talk with me. If I ask for him to call later then he says “oh now I have a curfew?” So childish, ridiculous, and most of all UNDEVOTED. That’s how I see it. God, please just help me through this hell of a life I have lived!!!

    • Nicholas 23 May, 2016

      Thank you so much, I appreciate your comments. One of the most misunderstood things in the aviation community is how pilots deal with emotional conflicts and values. There is always the constant pressure from management to fly, even though the airplane may be broken or that we have “get there itis” when returning from trips or making the last trip of the night. In addition, there is the constant pressure from the family to return home, etc. Values play a huge role in everything people have described here. I was raised a certain way to do what I believe in. There is generally a fine line between what is legal and what is safe. This is how a relationship should be too. There are little things a pilot can do that would make someone’s day back home. For instance, send your wife flowers from where you are staying, digital dinners, as previously mentioned, watch live streams of a child’s game on periscope when you have some extra time. Communication is key. The point is this, there are still good pilot husbands out there, despite the general tendency that most have to cheat. The way a person was raised will determine whether or not that the cheating occurs. Remember, it takes two to cheat, and regardless, it is a violation of your wife’s or significant other’s trust on both ends. The mistress should have strong enough values to know that it is illegal to have an affair with someone who is married, but it is becoming more and more common that those values are being lost. Values must be taught at a young age and continued throughout their lives. The only way to accomplish this is a total partnership between parents in a family.

  65. Lauren 23 June, 2016

    Thank you for this post! I am a female heavily considering going into aviation but am worried about the affects it may have on my relationship with my long term boyfriend. He says he is okay with it and we have talked through all of the logistics and how it would all work but I am still nervous. We plan to get married and have a family some day even though we know it will be hard. We have previously made it through long distance where we only see each other maybe every other weekend if we are lucky with minimal problems. Does anyone have any advice for me/us?

  66. Kate 1 July, 2016

    I feel like reading this blog is giving me the courage to do what I’m terrified to do…leave my pilot fiance (3 years together, live together, and own property together). I didn’t know what a “cheaters world” it can be in the pilot life. He cheated on me the first year (only “sexting”) and hasn’t since. But I read his texts from the other pilots and MAN!! Most of them cheat, encourage it, and want him to too. It’s assanine. I don’t think that he would, but would I know?
    He’s now international, and has worked so hard to get here, with so many sacrifices. He’ll spend July 4th weekend with 5 days downtime in Sydney, Australia and was in Tokyo the days before that (gone around 17 days at a time). I wanted a partner in life…heck I have a passport I’ve never even used. I’m not sure I can sit here at home while he’s traveling the world, creating memories and experiences with strangers to me, and I’ll never be a part of any of it. How is that a partner? I guess I just go live my own life, but then what’s the point of a life partner? I’m so independent when I’m single, and so partner focused when I’m not. When he’s home our relationship is out of this world and we camp, fish, bike, and camp some more. We have so much fun together, and we are passionate and happy. He’s the love of my life and thinking about leaving him gives me double anxiety. But the anxiety and pain I feel when he is away? OMG I can’t do this for the next 27 years until he retires.
    I wish I’d known how hard this was going to be because I would have left him in the beginning so it wouldn’t be as painful.
    I’m so happy for him and proud of him, and so sad for me. I’ll be camping with my kids this weekend without him, while he tours Sydney with his “cheating pilot” buddies. It often takes everything I have to push away the anxiety and negative thoughts so I can focus on what I’m currently doing.
    I’d NEVER date a pilot again after this. I feel like I could travel and be more independent without him. I’ve read some other comments on here as well that seem to say the same thing…it feels so good to know that I’m not alone.
    My post is negative I know. He’s an incredible guy, sweet, passionate, and very good to me the best way he knows how. My family and kids love him and I’ve never experienced such joy from having a partner (when he’s home). Whatever I do, it’s just going to suck. *sigh.

  67. Kathy 20 July, 2016

    I’m not here to be negative, just wanted to share my experience with a pilot. I dated this man for 1.5 years (spent 4-5 nights/week together, he worked 2x/week, roughly 3-5 hours each shift, flying locally, so never any overnights). He then applied overseas for a major Asian airline, we continued our relationship for 5 more months, doing the long distance. Right before we broke up, we had met up in the US (I’m in Canada and he’s in Hong Kong), and that’s when I had this intuition something was not right, he was constantly on his phone, texting, also saw female names with text messages show up on the main screen when he was in the bathroom. I also saw pictures of other woman in his phone and when confronted, he’s reply was “can’t help what other people send me”…doesn’t mean you have to save it!! fast forward, 4 months later, I decided we could still be friends as he’s someone I care and love very dearly. We began to skype message and video call, for 2.5 months…with Skype sex being a weekly thing, he was either in a hotel room, or at his flat. Comes to Canada to pick up the rest of his things and decides to stay with me (only giving me the heads up that he’ll be here, but never mentioned staying with me for 4 days)! Acted like we were a couple again, great sex, when he was here! A couple of weeks after he left, I decided to play detective…found out he has a gf in HK!!!!! pilot living a double life is so doable and they can honestly get away with it, if you’re too honest and trusting! Now, I’m not saying every pilot is like that, there’s definitely good ones and you ladies that have those type, you’re definitely lucky! Honestly, the shady ones can call/text/video any time they’re away, but how long does the convo last..? As soon as you’re done talking, they could be chatting up their other lover(s) or on their way to meet them. Always follow your intuition, a women’s intuition is never wrong. I’m glad I found out sooner than later. Wishing everyone the best!

  68. Annie 3 August, 2016

    Does anyone here know how to find out what their pension would be? I’m getting dumped after 20 years and he wants to give me nothing. I don’t want much, but a bit would help as he made sure I didn’t work over the past 20 years. Yes, he’s a pilot and yes he’s sleeping around. The good news? I’m so over him.

  69. Lori 5 August, 2016

    Hello everyone,

    Thank you for all of the comments and sharing your stories – it has been helpful.

    I am engaged to a pilot, but am having second doubts.

    I have a very demanding job that doesn’t allow for much flexibility. I’m worried about having kids. I want them, but I can’t imagine living this stressful life with a husband that is gone half the time and being the sole provider/caretaker half of the time.

    Has anyone else maintained their demanding careers while married to a pilot? If so, how? Nannies?

    Lastly, any advice on how to deal with a pilot that comes home after a trip and tries to run the show? I run out home when he is gone just fine. When he returns home he comments on how I missed this spot when cleaning, how I should do things this way/that way. The truth is that he is oftentimes right, but it is incredibly frustrating. It’s like I don’t get any credit for running the home while he is gone and the thought of him critiquing my parenting skills one day terrifies me.

    Thank you!

  70. Angel 20 August, 2016

    Hi everyone im with my bf pilot we confirmed relationship since last month, we dont contact very much like 3 times a month but im ok with it as i trust him, we meet each other once a month, our first date was on May 2016, but we confirmed to b gf n bf last month, i live in Hong Kong, and he lives in Doha, communication for couple very important yes but we also live in our own life we got to be independent no matter we have a partner or not, we should be happy even we are far away but he is still always in my heart, as pilot career is very tiring you know, he is FO work for QXXXX company for 8 years, he could get no sleep for 36 hours coz jetlag with long flights, i feel bad for him, what i have to do is accept how he is and to support him, it is hard sometime not to see each other, but im looking forward to see him already even he didnt tell me when he will b in HK but i know when he arrive here he will let me know when he will be here and wait for me outside my office and enjoy our time together 🙂
    just be strong everyone, nothing is impossible if you love him or willing to fight like pilot fight for his career isnt it:) all we do is to support him and accept how he is 🙂

  71. Rishu Singh 26 September, 2016

    i just have a dought that why do pilots wont get enough time with there family?
    plz plz plz help me to decide my carer….. plz reply me

  72. Sally 22 October, 2016

    Hi everyone, I guess I am having one of those moments when I also need to vent. 16 years married to a long haul pilot, we lived in the Middle East for 14 and now in the US for 2. 2 young kids and now living in a completely different state from my family and old friends and I am pretty fed up.
    I worked as cabin crew so I know the score but wow how life changes when you are the wife at home with the kids. My main regret when I look back was leaving the US to live abroad and now moving to a place once again for his job, where once again I have no help or support. I have never had any help with the kids from my husband due to him being constantly tired and jet lagged. I dealt with the feeding, crying, first day of school, birthday parties, buying Christmas presents, spending Christmas alone etc. That was hard enough but Valentines, Thanksgiving, Anniversaries and Easter alone just gets depressing to be honest.
    This crazy lifestyle was more bearable when we lived in the Middle East as there were so many pilots wives living on the same compounds in the same situation and we had a great time. The downside of that however was hearing a constant stream of stories about flight crew affairs, domestic abuse, wives nervous breakdowns and nasty divorces.
    I continued to work a year after having my first but it became laughable trying to complete a week without having to come in late, go home early or not even go in due to the kids being sick, and guess what, hubby is not home or he is sleeping before an all night 14 hour trip to Sydney. I gave up work which was not a good idea but my husband was happy that I was around when he had days off. That was one of the main complaints I used to hear from pilots when I was flying, they selfishly want their wives and girlfriends at home when they get back and everyone has to work around their chaotic schedule so that they don’t get bored and lonely on days off!
    I have made some great friends in the last 2 years but at the end of the day they go home to their normal lives each night and spend all their weekends with their families and I am sat alone with the kids. If I really knew that my life would end up like this, I think I might have reconsidered marrying a pilot to be honest. There are easier options out there ladies…….
    My husband admits that after 20 years the novelty completely wore off flying for him and the last 10 years have been painfully boring. He said he now envies his old friends with their normal jobs who are home each night sleeping on the same time zone in their own beds. It can’t be healthy!
    Wow that feels better just typing it all out. Stay strong ladies!

  73. Susan 2 November, 2016

    Amy, It looks like my husband’s lengthy, and pardon the pun, up and down career as a pilot is over. He is super depressed. Do you know of a support group for spouses? He doesn’t know who he is anymore since he has only ever been a pilot. And he did not end his career where and when he wanted to, and feels ashamed. Thanks to untimely furloughs, he is not in good shape pension-wise either. I feel lonely and overwhelmed

  74. Sussie T 7 November, 2016

    I’ve been with my pilot husband for 7 years, 4 of those years we’ve been married. We have a 2.5 year old son and I work full time in a very demanding professional position. I have zero family support as we live across the country from where our family lives bc of his job. Him being away with work is taking a toll on me. I feel like a single mom. And nobody seems to understand how drainned, exhausted, helpless and alone I feel. I work m-f, my husband is away and my boss still wants me to come in and work in the weekend. I feel like a terrible mother bc I barely get to spend quality time with my son m-f and so tired on the weekends I sometimes just turn the rev on to entertain him . I have to work to help pay the mortgage and my job is full time or nothing. No option for part time. I just feel like I’m falling apart. I resent my husband so much for his job dictating my life. If I had a husband that was actually home and with a regular schedule I know I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. It wasn’t until I became a mother that my husbands job became such a huge problem. I am very unhappy and feel trapped in a situation I don’t like. He’s a very good man. He treats me like gold. But being married to a pilot and working full-time and being a single mom sucks! I tell my friends “do yourself a favour and never marry a pilot!!’

  75. Jenna 2 December, 2016

    I have been married to my ‘pilot’ husband for the past 3 months. We have been together for 5 years. It hasn’t been easy, to say the least. We’ve spent so-so much time apart. I have been with him since the beginning. His career has taken him around the world from flying in Northern Quebec on the Hudsons Bay to Fiji, now back to Ontario Canada. During his stints in Quebec and Fiji, we chose to do long distance as I was pursuing my career in business on the Vancouver Island. The only way I managed to get through the long distance was to stay busy. I even planned our entire wedding alone. While he enjoyed the sun in Fiji for an entire year. He returned just one week before. Everything at the wedding was as big as a surprise to him as everyone else.

    He doesn’t seem to get my emotions. We’ve now just moved to a new city(Thunder Bay) in Northern Ontario where I have nothing going on, no friends, no job. It is really depressing as I had worked very hard to get to where I was with a great local company on Vancouver Island. It seems unfair that I will always have to be the one to give up everything that I have worked for so he can log more hours on a new aircraft. Right now, I am in tears trying to restart my life in a new place. He recently told me that I am causing him stress that he worries will affect his flying. because I am not super happy. In his words “why aren’t you happy? You are on vacation!” Vacation?! Giving up my job, friends and house to move for your career is vacation?! I am trying to be supportive and the wonderful wife that he wants but my spirits are so low.

    Please help – any advice for restarting in a new place?

  76. Nicholas 1 January, 2017


    I am enjoying reading the comments from the female perspective. I imagine that things are quite difficult for you all…and to make matters worse, guys just don’t get emotions sometimes. I have been a pilot for over 10 years, but have only been flying for the airlines for one year. Through my experiences I have come to associate the female mind with a ball of yarn, where everything is connected. In contrast, men think more like a chest of drawers. They can only open one thing at a time. The trick you see, is a lot like flying. The female perspective must be heard, and understood, which is a skill that can be learned and developed. If you love someone, you will listen. To all of the pilot wives out there, THANK YOU for taking care of the kids by yourself, thank you for arranging for a plumber at 0100 when the toilet clogs and I am not there to fix it. Thank you for cleaning the house when I am gone and for wathcing over it to prevent robbers. Thank you all for being you, and great pilot wives.

  77. Anne 15 February, 2017

    Hi! I am a pilots wife. Last week my husband stated that he and a flight attended went out to dinner together. They both paid separately but I think it is inappropriate never the less. He stated that there is an unwritten rule that the flight crews take care of each other on off time and it just ended up that everyone else bailed. He does not think it in inappropriate at all. GURR!!!!!

    • Queue 3 September, 2017

      Anne, totally understand your feelings on this. An honorable man will consider his wife in all his decisions, in my opinion. A positive is that he told you about it. If everything happened the way he said, he most likely didn’t realize how it would worry you, and he probably didn’t want to be rude on-the-spot to the flight attendant. Did you get a chance to talk with him about it when he came home? Maybe you both can come to an agreement on how to handle a situation like that in the future?

  78. Name 30 March, 2017

    If only i had read this blog n comments a year an a half before.. since u didnt here i am .. hv been a plots wife its only 1.5 years but it already getting hard… U dont get to see ur husbands on any ocasions let alone celebrate it… n the tine zone diffrence when hubby is flyin to other continent just makes it real hard… I get lonely cant tell hubby about the household probs cux of the nature of his job that demands no stress… N whn pilots comes home from 2 week long trips sometimes months.. n are looking forward to rekindle n talk all u hear is how tiring that trip was n watch them sleep… I love my hubby so v much but its being alone all da time is wat makes me sad…

  79. Aviation girlfriend 10 July, 2017

    Thank you for all the comments, needless to say I actually read through all of them since I’m coming to a point where I either have to choose this life or not. As of right now my boyfriend is unhappy in his career flying for the national guard and wants to switch to the airlines by taking the envoy 3 month course. During the summer he is gone Monday -Friday most weeks flying , but in winter months things slow down. He is so close to having enough hours to go into a different flying career than the airlines, it’s just a matter of sticking it out in a toxic work environment .
    After reading all these posts, I’m really starting to second guess if I want this life for myself. the struggles are already real with how much traveling he does now, but for some reason knowing he’s home every weekend and has all holidays off doesn’t seem that bad. And it’s been very manageable.

    I’m struggling with the idea of how much more time away the airlines might be, and the idea of living a parallel life than a life with someone . I’m struggling with the concept of raising a family on my own, and the idea that I may have to sacrifice my own goals in order to support his of being an airline pilot and having a family. One post really resonated with me about how the first years of pilot life are best for the single individual , and I can really see that.
    I already have my own life, good career, hobbies, friends and family, what’s been missing is having this man around more to experience life together and it doesn’t sound like this job would provide that, like he thinks and is trying to sell me on.
    to all of you who Stuck it out , raised those families and were support systems I admire how strong you are. Even though I love this man, I don’t think I could love this life.
    He has asked me to move in with him as the next step in our relationship but thank you for providing this insight into some conversations that need to take place before any next steps are taken

  80. Kate 21 July, 2017

    Hello! I am a pilot’s wife; he works for one of the major US airlines. He flew coporate jets for about two years, early in our marriage, and has been a commercial pilot for the past 17 years. As you can imagine, I have a lot of experience in this regard. I have a lot of advice, stories! First, if you are going to marry a pilot, make sure he has never been a womanizer or player! Don’t be in denial about this during the dating phase, and date them a long time and check out their history. I guess there is no way to prevent a travelling husband from cheating, but I also think there is a certain personality who normally does this type of thing in a commited relationship. I have found it hard to lives my views as a feminist while married to him- although we have a great relationship overall. First, I had to give up my career and a pursuit of a second graduate degree to preserve the relationship. This is not what I had imagined, but I had to make a bard choice. He doesn’t get many weekends off, and when I worked all week, we barely saw each other.I have not seen many commercial airline pilot’s wives be able to work full time in career. The best fit I have seen are nurses who work during the day while their children are at school and husbands are gone- but they ask off for days he is home. I have always tried to look my best when he is home, although he is more of a jeans and t-shirt type. Romance is very important in this type of marriage. We try to have couple time, especially when he gets home and right before he leaves. Let’s see… Well, keep good friends, because you will be raising children and handling emergencies by yourself. We have three kids and he would like to be more, but he is only a helping hand when he is home. You will be raising kids by yourself from start to finish with a little, inconsistent help from him along the way. Every pilot’s wife I know resents this part of it, but I have to say my kids are older and have turned out responsible, mature and high achieving. You cannot plan more than one month out, because the schedule changes. On the positive side, captains do make a lot of money. Our kids attend a great school and we have been to amazing places. Just be realistic from the start. If lots of company, equal parenting, equal household responsibilities and a full on career is what you want, then do not marry a commercial airline pilot.

    • Kate 21 July, 2017

      I want add something to my above post. So, keep in mind the costs of giving up your career, because I am telling you, most commercial airline marriages end up resembling the 1950’s arrangement, but without the legal protection of ghat era. For example, if you gave up your career, but ended up in divorce court years down the road, you probably will not get permanent alimony. The legal system is phasing this out. You may get rehabilitative alimony for several years with zero compensation for your family contribution and/or opportunity costs. I have heard stories of female judges, who have had to put their kids in daycare and struggle, being particularly hard on divorcing pilot’s wives. They do not understand the different demands and family structure. They probably think we are all spoiled! Anyway, in some ways it is more demanding than being a single mom, because you are maintaining a long distance marriage; this takes a lot of forethought and planning. Unless you have a nice family safety net financially, marrying an airline pilot can be very financially risky if you end up divorced. If you can’t handle the thought of possibly being worn out from parenting, practically alone and living a lower life style, because you are divorced and could not work as planned, don’t marry into this profession. I’m not trying to be pessimistic, but just present a thorough picture for younger women out there. It is a rough, risky lifestyle- even in a marriage which seems stable.

    • Queue 3 September, 2017

      Kate, thanks for your comments! I have a career in which I’m technically self-employed and make my own schedule, and we don’t have kids. As far as housekeeping goes, is your husband comfortable with you making most of the decisions and doing most of the work, since he’s not there as much as you are? Is there any resentment there for him? One of my husband’s gripes is that I don’t “let him make any decisions” in his own house. Which of course is a literal exaggeration, but hopefully you get the picture. How do you both handle the home?

  81. Mary-Ellen M. Roberts 31 July, 2017

    wow, there are many of us pilot wives,gf, partners with similar feelings. I can empathise. I kept waiting for the day to arrive, the day everything would fall into place the way I wanted-in the end I learned I was the one that had to fall into place within my ever changing & at times repetitive day to day life,&within my4 kiddos lives.i thought my plate was full-it wasn’t, so I had to rethink how I thought of things around me-and learned what worked to adjust when Jeffrey arrived home-(I use to have the house spit spot clean every time-bedding hung out to dry, etc., now I do what I can, ensuring we’re all in good spirits when he comes home-so Home is a happy comforting place). Before I found my feelings of contentment I sought perfection-I thought visual perfection would make me feel contentment-that was not so, it was merely a way of coping through a very dysfunctional childhood. I had to make a change so 9 years ago I started learning to go with the flow by taking small steps in creating what it was I wanted to feel- I took the kids out to a new park every week, went exploring in nature, picked berries… finally 16yrs into his career I feel a greater love for my husband & myself-our sacrifices to make a life for us,my kiddos are flourishing-FaceTime helps when they miss daddy-o “it’s good” I love people, & talk to strangers so I’m not too lonely, I do miss and get saddened at my hubby & I’s periods of less “in person” social time-I still struggle with that, plus I think I love him more than he will ever love me-I sleep on his side of the bed when he’s gone, that seems to help I exercise 6days a week ensuring “me time” too and by the end of my workout any anxiousness is usually squated out!!

  82. Queue 3 September, 2017

    Amy, thank you for the article and providing this place for all the comments! I’m facing my own issues — husband is new pilot, a year into the career. We’ve been married 14 years, 12 of those military. No kids.Should be easy then, right? Except that we started having problems with connection and communication about a year and a half ago, even went to counseling. Stopped the counseling when he started his flight training. I’m afraid the demands and nature of this pilot career will make things worse for us, even though he’s now loving what he’s doing. Feeling really discouraged right now and I don’t think he’d fight for me if I decided to stop trying.

    • Kate 13 September, 2017

      To Queue. We have never figured out the housekeeping and childcare sharing in 18 years of marriage. I do have to micromanage him in that he is not home enough to know what needs to be done and parent the kids. He only resents it if he is asked to do a lot of it. He seems to do a little better with a posted checklist, even with kid stuff and a schedule. Otherwise, details get missed. For example, give kids vitamin, brush teeth. I have had to run my whole household on a schedule. Because my kids attend an academically tough school, I ignore some of the housework in favor of helping them with studying and tests. I use a lot of crockpot meals. I would suggest, as soon as you can afford it, to hire a weekly housekeeper and eat out. This is very justifiable and realistic if you work too and/or have children. Unfortunately, I have to schedule these things. He wants to help some, but is tired and also needs to unwind from the stressful nature of the job. Unless you have family close to help, it is like running everything yourself. You have to work extremely hard as a career pilot’s wife, and it’s not a fair arrangement, but rather a cooperative one if it’s going to work. There are many lifelong airline marriages, but you have to make peace with the resentment and not marry someone who isn’t commitment-oriented. My husband says he has never seen a pilot hooking up with someone on a trip. I think it happens, but most are just looking for something to eat and something to watch on TV during these trips. They don’t have the energy to go looking for action, especially the 40 plus crowd.

  83. Kate 13 September, 2017

    Queue. Also, I would try to work around his schedule and have the house, meals and shared activities planned. Have him come home to a very put together situation, including you. Schedule some fun activities once he’s rested. If you are willing to work at it, he won’t want to go anywhere, because it’s too good at home. We even had a parttime nanny when the kids were little- and that was a stretch on our income back then, but here we are, all still intact, 18 years later- and our kids are all in middle and high school.

  84. VetStudent2020 26 September, 2017

    My boyfriend is nearly done with his ground school and simulation training before starting his time on reserve. I am a veterinary student. My life is stationary and his is bounding with movement. My biggest bane has been the emotional distance during the training. It is intense, but we have managed. We started dating a little more than 4 months ago, so our relationship is still new. Additionally, this is my first relationship and I am learning to get through a lot of issues as they happen. There are days where I won’t hear from him for 12 hours, but he always manages to call me within a 24 hour period. I think that has helped – that and facetime.

    I am terrified, however, that my relationship will always be long distance and that he will just be some voice emitted from a phone or a face on a screen. The junior pilots have little decision in their schedules, so he may be gone for a long while before I get to see him. If I can manage seeing him once a week, I will be okay. Honestly, that’s how our relationship was prior to training, I am accustomed to it. In the future, I do want to move in with him and be around him as much as he can stand me.

    I hope that by the time I graduate in two and a half years that he will have more control over his scheduling and that I can move in with him. I love the prospect of living near the city and him. He will be making the sacrifice of seeing me more than I see him – again school can be complicated. After my time is done, we can focus more on the both of us. He and I have already had conversations of our future relationship, so this isn’t too abstract I don’t think. What would be some advice you would give someone like me in an already stressful academic life and having a significant other starting his career? Good news is we don’t want children, so that makes things a little easier. I do love this man and want to stick it out because he’s certainly worth it. I didn’t start a relationship with him because of his career potential, but because I fell for a man that cares about me.

    • Kate 6 October, 2017

      Dear Vet Student:
      I have either been dating, engaged or married to my now husband for twenty years. I have rarely seen the spouse of an ailine pilot manage a full on career and having enough time to devote to a pilot spouse. It’ s easier without children for sure, but still not enough time for the relationship. I know it’s not what a future vet wants to hear, but I have been around the block in thus industry. If you are not willing to practice being a vet part-time, when he is on trips, and devote time completely to him when he’s home, I know you are setting uourself up for failure. I’ve tried working fulltime, and many of my pilots’ spouse friends have. This has not been successful for even one of us. It’s not a gender scenario, it’s a time issue. Now, many of the pilots start out expecting their spouse to work fulltime because the money sounds great. My husband, being a pilot’s son, knew better. He warned me that my working fulltime may not be doable for our family. You two need to be realistic. So, if you are willing to follow his job around, wotk only when he is gone, and you are sure he is not the playboy type, then I think it can work. Otherwise, even though you love him, let him go. It takes sharp sacrifices to make an airline marriage work, and it is very one-sided, as is a military marriage.

  85. G 19 October, 2017

    Hey, so I’ve recently fallen for a pilot, she’s almost finished her training… But she is just breathtaking, an incredible person, down to earth, incredibly passionate about flying… My older brother is a commercial pilot, so I know the hours etc… That doesn’t bother me to be perfectly honest… I’m just really smitten over her.
    Thing is I’ll only see her again in a 2 or so months… So I have something to look forward too.
    Any tips for a guy who has fallen for a pilot lady? 🙂

  86. Anonymous 19 November, 2017

    I have been married to a pilot for 27years-10 of those Airforce , major airlines now since 1997. I am 52 and empty nester. I still work but not a lot because my husband wants me to be available to travel with him. What a joke! He just upgraded to Captain and is gone every weekend and 5 days a week. He is totally obsessed with money to the point I have told a divorce will change all of that quickly! I worked my butt off as a nurse and in healthcare sales so we have multiple investment properties. I want to sell the big house and down size to make the maintenance easier on me-I don’t need 6 bathrooms! He won’t do it. I texted him last night after another weekend alone and he will fly every weekend in December that this has to change. No response from him. I feel like my life has been spent waiting for him to come home and it’s just insane to live like this.

    • Kate 5 December, 2017

      Hi. This is in reply to the Nov. 19 post from anonymous. I think it takes shared interests and lots of respect to keep an airline family together after the kids have flown the coop. My husband and I have a lot in common, and I have had to teach him about respect, because he had such a bad role model in his parents’ marriage. Theirs was an example of a failed airline marriage at year 17. It sounds like your husband does not respect your feelings, and you are frustrated with his schedule. I’ve been there. I think finding a good marriage counselor may help. I would insist on always attending together, though. Otherwise, I’ve seen separate sessions drive a wedge. You’ve been a pilot’s wife for a long time. It is lonely, especially when the kids are gone and they minimize your feelings. Take care of yourself…

  87. Paula 13 February, 2018

    12 years married to an engineer nice predictable wonderful life. enter one layout and the decision to become a pilot. one year later – i despise it. year by year it gets worse but no change in spite of many requests and arguments. my counselor says i would be better off if he died in a plane wreck. 17 years later – my life has been awful – i’ve compromised everyone i ever wanted in a family for his ability to fly jets and travel all the time. my mistake – i should have left him after year one…..

  88. Kris 6 March, 2018

    I have never posted on a website like this but I need help. Someone who can make sense… I am having my first full fledge panic attack. I work an exec full time position, I swear I am normal… raising 2 beautiful girls that are doing great in school…they are social, beautiful, great grades, perfect in my eyes but my husband said goodbye and I couldn’t breathe. Almost 20 years and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. I can’t do it all and after 20 years I can’t breathe. WTH is wrong with me. I’m strong, independent and told myself I could do this but I don’t think I can anymore. I’m weak, fragile and broken. What the hell happened to me!?! Is it me???

  89. Kris 6 March, 2018

    I have never posted on a website like this but I need help. Someone who can make sense… I am having my first full fledge panic attack. I work an exec full time position, I swear I am normal… raising 2 beautiful girls that are doing great in school…they are social, beautiful, great grades, perfect in my eyes but my husband said goodbye and I couldn’t breathe. Almost 20 years and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. I can’t do it all and after 20 years I can’t breathe. WTH is wrong with me. I’m strong, independent and told myself I could do this but I don’t think I can anymore. I’m weak, fragile and broken. What the hell happened to me!?! Is it me??? We travel, I used to be a pilot so I get the industry but I can’t figure out what thh?

  90. BB 10 March, 2018

    I too have never post anything on a site before.. but I’m desperately lonely and lost. I’ve be with my pilot for nearly 17 years. Married just 7 yeas with two children 6 and 5.
    I’m met my pilot on the job while working as a flight attendant, both single. Young, free and enjoying the lifestyle together.. till 9/11 happen and base out of the NY area I couldn’t deal anymore and abruptly quit the airline industry. As I stuggle with an identity crisis.. I enjoyed very much my alone time when he was on a trip. Never worry about what he was doing cause I lived it. I supported him during the after math of 9/11 and the career stagnation, then the move from a regional to a major.
    Once his pay was back to a liveable income we bought a home, got pregnant and married all with 6 months.. prepared to have my first baby alone.. he upgraded and went to training leaving me with a newborn and no support.. and again the next year with my second baby he switched aircrafts and back in training leaving me with 2 babies!
    Now I should be grateful cause his pay in good.. his schedule is liveable and our kids are in school.. BUT now he is HOME more than ever and I can’t find my balance.. he micro manages me and disrupts the schedule that I though blood, sweat and tears have developed for some kinda of stability for me and the kids…then he come home taking over.. and undermining my parenting and the lack of house work that I didn’t get done..I’m over it and resent him to the point that I almost hate him! We have spoke about a lot and he does better now.. but I seam happier running the show alone. I feel like a ungrateful @$$hole.. I’ve cracked under the pressure serval times and think about and have spoken about divorce but the pressure eased up till the cycle returns one seams to understands!!!